


All I Saw Was You

by RyspositoWritings



Category: Castle
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-19
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-08 06:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3199289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyspositoWritings/pseuds/RyspositoWritings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin Ryan is in love with Javier Esposito but has decided he’s never going to tell him. It seems only something drastically life-altering can loosen his tongue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tragedy

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song Alive by Bo Bruce.

         

 

He never felt any pain. He didn't even feel fear. The only thing he could do was wonder if he was ever going to see his partner again. If he was ever going to hear his voice. If he was ever going to see his face. He wanted so badly to see Esposito at least one more time. If this was the end, he needed to at least tell him. He had to let him know.

He was vaguely aware of people running around. He heard noises and yelling. He could see flashing blue and red lights and he felt people around him, touching him. Someone was talking to him, but if it wasn't Javi, he didn't care.

He tried to call out for him. He tried to say anything, but the words weren't coming out the way they should. He couldn't get his voice to work. He needed to see Javi. He needed to tell him.

~.~.~

“Wow.” Beckett said softly as she and Ryan walked down the street, each with a cup of coffee in their hands.

“Yeah.” Ryan said, keeping his eyes on the ground.

“The whole time?”

Ryan merely nodded.

“I can’t believe I never noticed.”

“Well, it’s not like I stood on my desk and announced to everyone that I’m in love with my partner.” Ryan rolled his eyes. “I just never said anything because… well, what am I supposed to say? I’m not sure I want everyone in the precinct to know about me anyway. And besides that, Javi’s got Lanie, so where would that leave us? Every day would be awkward and Lanie would look at me weird and I just don’t want to have to deal with all that.”

They were both silent for a while as they walked past the mass of people rushing around the streets of New York.

After a while, Beckett spoke. “I think you should tell him, Kev.” She said.

Ryan stopped walking. “Tell him?”

Beckett stopped as well and turned slightly to look at her partner. “Yes.” She said.

“Are you out of your mind?” Ryan asked exasperated. “I can’t tell him.”

“Why not?”

Ryan spluttered a bit. “B-because of all the things I said. Plus, what if the feeling isn’t mutual? It’s better left alone, Beckett. He doesn’t need to know. No one does.”

“Then why did you tell me?”

Ryan gave her a long look. “I… I dunno, I guess I had just… been holding all that in for too long and I needed to tell someone.”

“And why couldn’t you have told him?”

Ryan swallowed. “I told you, Beckett, because you’re the only one who won’t look at me differently. Everyone else would make it a big deal, especially Castle, but I know you’ll still treat me like a cop and you won’t tell anyone. You won’t, right?”

Beckett gave a small sigh. “No, I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you.”

“That’s not to say I don’t think you should tell Esposito, I just know that this is your life and if you want to keep it a secret, that’s your business.” She took a step toward him. “But, Ryan, I still think you should tell him. I really do.”

Ryan gave a small smile. “Maybe I will. Someday.”

Beckett smiled back.

“You wanna head back to the precinct?”

“I’m actually meeting Castle for lunch.” Beckett replied. “He wants to take me somewhere expensive for our anniversary.”

“Beckett, you guys haven’t even been married a year yet.” Ryan raised an eyebrow.

“It’s not that anniversary.” Beckett rolled her eyes. “Castle likes to celebrate every anniversary we’ve ever had. I think this is the anniversary of our first date.”

“You think?” Ryan was trying not to laugh.

“God, I don’t even know anymore. Last week we celebrated the anniversary of the first time he saw me in a skirt. Castle is insane.”

“And you still married him.”

“So far, I don’t think it was a mistake, but I could be wrong.”

Ryan laughed. “Okay, well have fun. I’ll see you back at the precinct.”

Beckett waved to him as she hailed a cab. As Ryan walked away, Beckett could practically feel the sadness seep from his shoulders. He was so lovesick, it hurt. She honestly wished she could do something for him, but if he didn’t want anyone to know, she couldn’t do anything about it. She wasn’t about to betray his trust. As she opened the door of the cab and was about to step inside, she heard it.

The sound of the actual crash wasn’t that loud, it was the car horn that first caught her attention. As was human nature, she turned toward the direction of the noise, for some reason wanting to see how bad the crash was going to be.

It was pretty bad. One car t-boned another and they were both off to the side looking horrible.

But it wasn’t until she saw a limp arm near one of the cars that she realized someone had been hit. Being a good citizen and knowing she could keep a cool head in situations like this, Beckett decided Castle could wait a few extra minutes. She shut the door of the cab and jogged over to the crash site where people were shouting and panicking.

“Okay, everyone, just calm down.” Beckett shouted. “Let me see what-”

The blood drained from her face and her legs suddenly felt like jelly.

Lying on the ground in a pool of blood with one arm sticking at an odd angle, was her partner.

“Ryan!” She yelled, getting her legs to move over to where he was. She knelt down, vaguely aware that blood was seeping into the knees of her jeans. “Someone call an ambulance now!” She screamed.

Ryan was unresponsive and Beckett had to take a few deep breaths. She couldn’t panic now. Ryan needed her.

A few minutes later, she could hear the sirens in the distance and thanked whoever was out there that they were here and Ryan still had a pulse.

She was gently pulled away as the paramedics needed space to work on Ryan. She answered any questions thrown at her, but wasn’t paying much attention as she watched her bloodied partner being moved around by strange people.

“We need to get him in the truck.” One of them said gruffly.

Beckett watched through tears as they lifted Ryan onto a stretcher and into the truck. More tears began to fall as she heard “He’s slipping!” and just before the doors shut, someone yelled “Clear!”

~.~.~

“Where is he?!” Esposito yelled as he burst through the doors.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to lower your voice, we have sick people on this floor and I can’t have you disturbing them.” A nurse said, raising her eyebrow at him, daring him to talk back.

“Esposito.” Beckett said from behind him.

Everyone seemed to be there. Castle, Alexis, and Martha as well as Ryan’s parents and one of his sisters, the other was probably on a plane to meet them there, and Lanie.

“What happened? Where is he?” Esposito asked.

Beckett hugged herself and heaved a sigh. “It happened so fast, Javi.” She said in a small voice. “I didn’t exactly see it happen. I just turned around and he was on the ground. Someone said he was crossing the street and I guess the car came out of nowhere. H-he’s in surgery right now.”

Esposito was gritting his teeth. “Was… was he still alive when you saw him?”

Beckett nodded. “Barely.” She said.

Esposito nodded once before walking over and sitting in the chair next to Lanie. “So, we just wait then.”

They waited in silence, all too afraid to make conversation. They’d been waiting for god knows how long before a doctor approached them.

“Family of Kevin Ryan?” She asked.

They all stood maybe a little too quickly in their eagerness to find out if Ryan had survived.

“Is he okay?” Esposito asked.

She gave Esposito a slight smile. “I don’t know if okay is the right word, but he did survive the surgery and is stable. He’s still not conscious, but we’re hoping he wakes up soon. As for injuries, he has a broken arm, two broken ribs, multiple lacerations, and internal bleeding. If he wakes up, the recovery will be long and difficult.”

“If he wakes up?” Esposito asked.

The doctor gave him a long look. “He also has a severe head injury. I’m thinking he must have hit his head on the pavement causing the blackout. His head injury is the most worrisome. We’re more sure he will wake up than not, but there is a chance that he could slip into a coma and not wake up at all. If he makes it through the night, we expect a full recovery.”

“Can we see him?” Castle asked.

“Well, I think we should start with just family members.” She said. “And then the rest of you may see him. Also, I should ask, which of you is Javier?”

“Uh, that’s me.” Esposito said, raising his hand slightly.

“They told me to let you know that your name was the first and only thing he said. I would suggest you try to be here when he wakes up. He was in a state of panic looking for you and I think once he wakes up he’ll want to see you most of all.”

Esposito didn’t know what to think. On one hand, he felt his heart swell with pride that he was so important in his partner’s life. But on the other hand, Ryan had called out for him and he wasn’t there. He hadn’t been there to save him.

“We’ll start with family first and then I’ll come back to let the friends in.” The doctor gave a smile and led Mr. and Mrs. Ryan and their daughter through the doors.

Everyone else sat back in their seats.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” Alexis asked her father.

Castle put an arm around his daughter. “He’ll pull through, kid.” He said softly. “This is Kevin Ryan we’re talking about. He’s been in tougher situations and he always pulls through.”

Esposito wanted to believe Castle’s words, but he couldn’t lie. He was afraid. _You better pull through, Kevin._ He said to himself. _You better not die on me._

The Ryans took about  fifteen minutes to see Kevin before coming out of the room. Mrs. Ryan was crying and the three of them went to find something to eat. It had been a few hours since anyone had eaten anything and, as Martha pointed out, starving wasn’t going to help Ryan at all.

A nurse came by to lead the friends to Ryan’s room. Esposito took a deep breath before the door was opened.

Ryan looked like literal hell. His arm was in a cast, he had bruises everywhere, and there was a bandage around his head. The heart monitor was really the only indication he was alive.

“You have about fifteen minutes.” The nurse said softly before shutting the door to give them privacy.

Esposito gritted his teeth as he stared down at the broken form of his partner. He didn’t want this to be the last time he saw him. He didn’t want to remember him this way. He wanted those bright blue eyes to open. He wanted Ryan to sit up and tell him the worry was for nothing and he was just fine. He wanted anything but his unconscious partner lying before him looking like death.

Beckett took a step forward and slowly took Ryan’s uninjured hand. She gave it a small squeeze. “You better pull through, Ryan.” She whispered.

After a few minutes of everyone just staring, which was rather strange when one thought about it, Martha spoke up.

“Let’s go get something to eat.” She said softly. “And leave Detective Esposito alone for a minute. Anything we can get you dear?”

Esposito looked at Castle’s mother with gratitude. “I’m alright.” He said.

She nodded and opened the door to let everyone out. They murmured their goodbyes to Ryan and suddenly Esposito was left alone. He pulled up a chair and sat next to his unconscious partner.

“You son of a bitch.” He whispered. “Didn’t your mother ever teach you to look both ways before crossing the street? Isn’t this why they teach you that in the first place?” He sighed and put a hand to his forehead. “Well, you’re not gonna die. I’m not gonna let you. I swear to God, if you slip into that coma, I’m coming here every day and I’m gonna pull you out of it.” He sniffed. “I’m not losing you, Kevin. I can’t.”

The door opened and the nurse stepped in. “Time to go.” She said softly.

 **  
**Esposito sighed and stood. “We said till the wheels fall off.” He swallowed. “I’m not letting ‘em fall.” He turned and lightly brushed past the nurse.


	2. Waiting For A Miracle

“A coma? Are you sure?”

“It’s what the doctor just told us.”

Esposito set the phone down and buried his face in his hands. Beckett stood off to the side, a hand over her mouth. Castle sat in his chair and stared at the floor.

It was nice that Mr. Ryan felt they should know all the details, but this was one Esposito was dreading. Ryan’s vitals were good after that first night and the doctors had said he would pull through, but something happened and now here he was.

Esposito stood and grabbed his jacket.

“Espo?” Beckett asked.

“I’ll be back.” Was all Esposito said before disappearing down the stairs.

Beckett turned tearful eyes to her husband who stood and pulled her into a tight embrace. “A coma’s nothing.” He whispered. “He’ll pull through.”

“What if he doesn’t?” Beckett asked.

Castle swallowed as his own tears began to fall. “We just have to believe he will.”

Meanwhile, Esposito was pacing out on the sidewalk. Going to a bar had been his first thought, but going to the bar in the middle of the day while on duty was a new level of stupid Esposito didn’t want to think about. Usually he’d go talk to his best friend when he was feeling low. He and Ryan would go get some lunch and talk it out and everything would be fine.

Esposito sighed. He wanted to talk to Ryan. Ryan always made every situation better, with his damn blue eyes and fun loving personality. He was like a dog. A loyal dog that loved everyone and always wanted them to be happy.

He hailed a cab. Ryan may be in a coma, but Esposito didn’t care. He was going to go talk to his best friend.

After arguing for about ten minutes that there was no way he wasn’t on the friends and family list, the doctor in charge of Ryan’s care appeared and fixed the situation, making sure Espo was on the list for next time and letting him head on over to Ryan’s room once Ryan’s parents had left.

Ryan still looked awful. Esposito didn’t really know what he was expecting. It had only been a couple of days. Maybe he was just hoping that this still was all a joke and Ryan was actually fine.

No such luck.

He pulled a chair closer to Ryan’s bed and sat heavily. He took a second to gather his thoughts. Coma patients were said to be able to hear what was going on, and Esposito didn’t want to say something too embarrassing should Ryan wake up and tease him for it.

Esposito laughed slightly. He really hoped the first thing Ryan did when he woke up was make a joke. It would be a good indication that he was alright.

“So,” He said softly. “You got yourself into a pretty fine mess, partner.” He took a deep breath. “Well, you’re not allowed to die. I’ve lost too many people in my life, I can’t… I can’t lose the most important one. You’re my best friend, Kev. What am I supposed to do if you die? Play Madden alone? Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” He felt tears behind his eyes. “You-” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “You’re supposed to come over every Friday for pizza and beer. And we play Madden until three in the morning and you crash on my couch and don’t go home until after dinner the next day. You’re supposed to sit next to me at your desk and come up with ways to drive Beckett and Castle crazy.” He wiped away a few stray tears. “Dammit, Kev, you’re supposed to be there standing next to me when we go pick up suspects. We’re supposed to have each other’s backs.” He realized then that the tears were not going away very easily and he gave up on wiping them. “I’m sorry.” He whimpered. “I should’ve had your back. I should’ve been there to pull you away from the curb when the car came at you. If I’d been there, you would be fine now. But here you are all because your partner is an idiot.”

He took a shaky breath after all the words came out. Of course he knew Ryan had wanted to talk to Beckett alone for a bit before their lunch break, so there really wasn’t a reason for him to be with his partner at the time of the crash. But he still couldn’t shake the guilt.

He sat by Ryan’s bedside for about a half hour, saying nothing and wiping away the occasional tear. He reached out at some point and held onto Ryan’s limp hand, trying to will life into it.

As he sat there, hoping against hope, his phone vibrated in his pocket with a text. He took a second before fishing the phone out and reading the text from Beckett.

_You okay?_

Esposito smiled slightly. Beckett loved and cared for her team like they were family. He knew he could always count on her to worry about him.

_Fine. Visiting Ry. Be back in a few._

He pressed send and then looked back up at his partner. “I gotta go back to work.” He said softly. “I’ll be sure to save you some paperwork for when you wake up. And, like I said, I’m coming back every day to pull you out of this.” He reached out and gave Ryan’s hand a squeeze. “Hang on til I get back.” He held onto Ryan’s hand for a little longer before turning and leaving the room.

~.~.~

True to his word, Esposito returned to the hospital every day. He knew everything about Ryan’s condition down to the last detail. He hounded nurses and doctors for information and if there was anything he didn’t understand, he would call up Lanie and ask her to explain it. Esposito only left the hospital when it was absolutely necessary. He was there more often than Ryan’s own family and, by the third week, everyone there knew him by name.

“I dunno, man, I think Lanie’s just not that into me.” Esposito was saying as he sat in his usual seat by Ryan’s bedside. “We keep trying to have a relationship, but I think neither of us really want to commit. Ah, well. Someone else will come along, I’m sure.” His phone went off just then and, upon noticing it was Beckett, he answered it. “Esposito.” He said.

“Espo, we’ve got the suspect in custody and I was told to tell you to come back here and do your damn job.”

“Gates isn’t happy about me being here all the time is she?”

“That’s putting it lightly.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

He hung up and sighed. “Gotta go back to work again.” He said. “You better wake up soon. Beckett and I keep having to do your job. You keep napping any longer and Gates might make us hire someone else, which would suck because I don’t have time to train another new guy.” He gave a small smile. “I’ll see you later, Kev.”

Esposito gave Ryan’s hand a squeeze, which had become a habit by now, before leaving the hospital and saying goodbye to the many doctors and nurses he’d befriended over the last month.

The recent case he and Beckett had been working on was pretty cut and dry. Someone had been stabbed a few blocks from the library and surveillance gave them all the information they needed. The only challenge was finding the bastard, which Beckett and Castle had seemed to have a handle on.

Gates had been giving them easy cases as of late. Aside from it being just the two of them, they were also preoccupied with their partner being in the hospital and his glaring absence made it difficult to concentrate. However, even though Gates was being rather nice to the two of them, she also was tired of Esposito being gone so much. He was sure he was going to get a stern talking to once she had the chance.

As he stepped into the precinct, Beckett caught him up on everything they’d learned so he could go into interrogation knowing what he was doing.

“His name is Jordan Wallace.” She said, handing him the file. “We picked him up a couple of blocks from his house. Would’ve caught him at the house, but he ran… right into Castle.”

Esposito glanced over at Castle who was having a bruise above his eyebrow looked at by Lanie. Castle smiled and gave a thumbs up before wincing as Lanie wiped at it with a cotton ball.

“We matched his fingerprints to the one at the scene,” Beckett continued. “And we have witness accounts that put him there. I’ve got a couple guys scoping his house for the murder weapon. If we find it, he hasn’t got a prayer.”

“And if we don’t find it, a confession will do nicely.”

Beckett nodded. “Exactly.”

“Detective Esposito.” Gates said, standing just outside her office. Her arms were folded and she had an eyebrow raised. “A word please?”

Esposito looked from Gates to Beckett and back. “Actually, sir, I was just about to interrogate a suspect.”

“Let him wait a little longer, this will only take a minute.”

Esposito knew he was in deep shit and he took a deep breath and an encouraging look from Beckett before following Gates back into her office.

He sat in a chair across from her desk and waited to be yelled at. But the yelling never came.

“How is he?” She asked, her voice soft.

Esposito was taken aback and took a second to reply. “Ryan?” He asked. “Um, I guess he’s fine. Hasn’t woken up yet, but he’s still alive.”

Gates nodded. “Listen, Detective. I’m not going to get mad about you spending all your free time checking on your partner. In my experience, your partner is closer than a brother, and being concerned only shows me that you and Detective Ryan are perfect partners for each other.” She took a breath. “But you need to do your job. Detective Beckett can’t do this all on her own. Though I am loath to admit it, Mr. Castle does help quite a bit, but he hasn’t been trained and he could’ve have gotten severely injured today. I’m worried at some point he will put himself and Detective Beckett in severe danger, and that’s something I will do everything I can to prevent. He’s already gotten them into dire situations before, but you remember that sometimes the only reason they escaped those situations is because of you and Detective Ryan.” She leaned forward a little. “I supposed what I’m trying to say is, Detective Beckett is also your partner, you need to have her back too. Detective Ryan will still be at the hospital even if you’re not.”

Esposito looked at the ground. “I’m sorry, sir.”

“If I could, I would let you stay at the hospital until Detective Ryan is better.” Gates said. “But it’s been a month and I need you to do your job.”

Esposito nodded.

“Good.” Gates stood and Esposito followed suit. “Now go in there and get the son of a bitch to confess.”

“Yes, sir.” He turned for the door and, just as he was about to leave, she spoke again.

“And try to help with the paperwork and research. I know that was Detective Ryan’s expertise, but the two of you are going to have to just learn to get along without him until he’s better. Neither of you are very good at it, so this will be good practice.”

Esposito nodded once more before leaving the room. It was true. Ryan actually did a lot of work, and they were finding out how difficult it was without him. Not that they were incompetent. It’s just that when you haven’t had to do something for long, you have to re-train yourself.

“You in trouble?” Beckett asked when he held out his hand for the file on Jordan.

“She just wants me to do my damn job.” He gave a small smile and then scanned the murder board and the file on the suspect and victim. When he felt prepared enough, he turned and walked toward the interrogation room.

“Do you need any help?” Beckett asked.

“Nah, I got it.” Esposito reassured before stepping into the room and closing the door behind him. “Well,” He said, taking a seat across from Jordan who looked like he’d been through hell getting here. “Looks like you are in some deep shit, wouldn’t you say?”

The guy said nothing, just glared at Esposito with his dark, and slightly creepy, eyes.

Esposito wasn’t one to be intimidated, so he continued. “I’m gonna cut the crap.” He leaned forward. “I’ve got places to be, you’ve got a cell waiting for you, so how about you confess to the murder and we both can take off early, yeah?”

“I didn’t kill anybody.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Esposito glanced down at the file for the name he’d forgotten. With his thoughts mostly consumed by Ryan, anything else seemed to go in one ear and out the other. “Jordan. The thing is, we’ve got all the evidence we need. Now, you can plead innocent, but we’ve got surveillance, witness accounts, fingerprints. You won’t last very long, I can promise you that.”

Jordan gritted his teeth. “I didn’t kill anybody.” He said again.

Esposito sighed. “You gonna make me work for it, fine. Don’t talk. But you’re looking at-”

Someone knocking on the mirror behind him made him stop. He turned and glared at whoever was trying to communicate via knocking. The knocking just continued.

He rolled his eyes and stood. “Excuse me. We’ll continue this in a minute.”

He gathered the file and stepped out of the room, ready to yell at Castle who he assumed was the one knocking. Funny enough, it was Beckett who met him outside the door.

“Beckett, what-”

“Ryan’s awake.”

Esposito’s heart skipped a beat and he couldn’t breathe for a second. He immediately wanted to drop the file and run full speed to the hospital.

“Gates is taking over the case, let’s go.”

They handed the file to Gates as they passed her office and the two of them as well as Castle ran outside and hailed a cab.

New York traffic was hell. In fact, by the time they made it to the hospital, all three of them decided that Hell probably was just a bunch of people sitting in traffic for the rest of all eternity.

They rushed into the hospital, gave the nurse their names, and practically sprinted to Ryan’s room.

“Oh, here you are.” Ryan’s doctor said as she was leaving his room.

“He’s awake?” Esposito asked her.

“Yes, but there’s something…” She hesitated.

“What’s wrong? Can I see him? I need to see him!” Esposito knew it wasn’t her fault, and he felt bad for yelling, but he wanted nothing more than to see his partner and she was in the way.

“Ryan’s not really the same.” She said softly.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Esposito said. He brushed past her. “I’m going to see my partner.” He announced before opening the door to Ryan’s room and stepping inside.

Mr. and Mrs. Ryan as well as Ryan’s two sisters were in the room. But they didn’t look happy. They looked as though they’d been crying.

Esposito’s eyes settled on Ryan. He could have cried at how happy he was to see those bright blue eyes staring at him. He didn’t even care that there was no greeting, no excitement at seeing his friends. All he cared about was that Ryan was okay

He finally got himself to speak. “Kevin.” He said, relieved. “I… you’re awake.”

“Kevin,” Mrs. Ryan said softly. “Detective Esposito came to see you.”

Ryan’s eyes moved from his mother back over to Esposito. His forehead creased in thought and his head cocked to the side slightly. And then he said something that made Esposito’s heart break completely in half.

**  
**“Who?”


	3. Avoidance

Esposito was sitting right outside Ryan’s room when Beckett approached him. He lifted brown swollen eyes up to her and her expression softened. She sat next to him.

“This sucks.” She said after a while.

Esposito took a shaky breath. “This is worse than if he’d died.”

“You don’t mean that.” Beckett looked over at him. “The doctor said he might regain his memories.”

“Yeah, and she also said he wouldn’t slip into a coma and she said it was unlikely that there will be any permanent damage. I’m starting to think she never graduated medical school.” Esposito said bitterly.

“I don’t think it’s possible for a doctor to know if their patient will wake up with amnesia or not, Javi.” Beckett replied.

Esposito wiped his eyes. “I know it’s not her fault, I just…”

“It’s just easier to find someone to blame.” Beckett nodded in understanding.

“So…” Esposito hesitated. “What does he remember? I didn’t get to hear because… well...”

Beckett gave a small smile. Esposito had stood there for almost thirty seconds staring into Ryan’s confused eyes before bolting out the door and having somewhat of a breakdown in the hallway which ended up with him crying outside Ryan’s room and then here they were. “Well, they said he didn’t remember anything at all, but I guess memories of his family sort of came back once they pushed it along and gave him some memories to latch onto.”

“Sort of?”

“It’s like the memory is right in front of him, but he just can’t grasp it.”

“So that’s a good sign then?” Esposito asked. “If we take him to the precinct and maybe to my apartment he might remember me?”

Beckett’s heart broke for her partner who was so desperate to have his best friend back he would try anything. “I honestly think that would help, yeah. But, he’s not leaving the hospital for a little while and after that his parents are taking him home to take care of his injuries. It’ll take weeks for his arm and ribs to heal. Not to mention his head.”

Esposito hesitated. “What about the precinct? His job?”

Beckett was at a loss on that one. Of course Ryan wouldn’t be able to come back if he couldn’t remember how to be a cop. But then what was he supposed to do?

“I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.”

Esposito sighed. “I’m tired of waiting.” He said angrily. “I had to wait to see if he was alive, I had to wait for him to wake up, and then when he did, he didn’t even remember who I was and now I have to wait for him to remember. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to wait anymore.”

It was the audible frustration of a person who could do nothing about the situation, and all Beckett could do was let him vent. She wished she could fix it. She wanted nothing more than to return all of Ryan’s memories to him and let the two boys run off together in the sunset, but it was what it was and they were bound by reality.

As the two of them sat in depressed silence, the doctor approached them with a sympathetic look on her face.

Esposito really didn’t want to talk to her, but she probably had new information and he was more worried about Ryan than concerned about his contempt for his doctor.

“It’s been a difficult day.” She said.

Esposito said nothing. He was not going to engage in small talk with her right now of all times.

“Any news?” Beckett asked.

The doctor hesitated slightly and the two of them instantly knew that the news was not good news. “It’s important that patients who’ve suffered a coma see a physical therapist. Usually, once they’re conscious, they have trouble getting around and doing things themselves.”

“Usually? Are you saying he doesn’t need one?” Esposito asked.

“I’m saying that clearly it’s mandatory. Detective Ryan is having trouble walking.” She gave a small shrug. “It was to be expected. When you’ve been lying in a bed for over a month, your muscles weaken and you have to regain what you had. So far it seems like he has the use of his uninjured hand, though he is a bit shaky. And clearly he can talk and hold a conversation. But he will need to regain the muscles in his legs especially.”

Esposito closed his eyes and heaved a sigh. “Just when you think it can’t get worse.” He said softly.

“This adds to time of recovery.” The doctor continued. “Though, I am hoping that when he has the strength, you’ll be able to help him regain his memory. Talk to him and take him to familiar places. When he’s provided with a memory to hold onto, he can grasp it more fully.” She seemed to be hesitating again and both Esposito and Beckett exchanged a look.

“Doctor?” Beckett asked.

“As far as I can tell, Kevin seems to be alright mentally,” She said. “But this kind of thing can cause serious problems. He’ll get frustrated and want to quit trying. When he won’t be able to remember something or when he’s having a bad day with his legs, he will want to give up. The only way he’ll reach a full recovery is if he wants to get better.”

“You think he won’t want to?” Esposito asked, a touch of anger in his voice.

“What I’m saying, Detective, is that I have seen my share of coma patients. Even the strong ones lose hope. Be there for your friend. Give him that hope. Because if he doesn’t have it, he will not recover.”

“Thank you, doctor. We’ll do whatever we can.” Beckett said before Esposito could say anything more.

The doctor nodded and then turned to go tend to her other patients.

“This day fucking sucks.” Esposito growled before standing and going off presumably to take a walk and cool off.

Beckett watched him go and couldn’t help but wonder if they were going to be enough for Ryan. Because at this point, not only did Ryan need hope, but so did Esposito.

~.~.~

Beckett opened the door to Ryan’s room slowly in case he was sleeping. Instead, he was sitting up in bed watching the tv with a confused expression, one that was plastered on his face most of the time lately.

“Hey, Ryan.” She said as she and Castle came into the room with a bag of takeout.

Ryan looked over and smiled. “Hey, guys.” He said.

“You remember us?” Castle asked, hope detected in his voice.

“Uh, well, just from the other day.” Ryan looked a little sheepish. “I, uh, still don’t remember anything about you. I think I’m getting names down, though. You’re Castle, and you’re...um…” His eyebrows knitted together as he tried to come up with the name. “Something that starts with a B?”

“Beckett.” She supplied.

“Beckett, right. Sorry. I’ll definitely remember for next time.” He gave a slight smile. “And, um, the other guy who was in here. My mom called him Javi?”

“Yeah.” Beckett nodded. “Or Esposito at work.”

“Esposito.” Ryan tried the name out. “They… they said he’s my best friend?”

“That’s right.” Castle nodded.

Ryan hesitated. “Is he coming?”

Beckett and Castle exchanged a look.

“He might.” Beckett said. “He’s been stuck with a lot of work lately, but I’m sure he’ll swing by the second he has a chance.”

Ryan nodded. “I just would really like to see him. I’m worried I may have hurt him when I asked who he was, and I was thinking if he stopped by I could probably remember, or at least try.”

“We’ll talk to him.” Castle said. “I’m sure he would be here if he could.”

“Okay.” Ryan turned the tv off and set the remote aside. “So,” He said, waiting for them to sit. “I’m a cop?”

“Detective.” Beckett said, handing him a burger. “And a damn good one.”

“Yeah?” Ryan asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“New York’s finest.” Castle said.

“So then, Esposito’s my partner?”

“That’s right.” Beckett nodded. “And me and Castle, though, Castle’s not technically a cop.”

Ryan looked confused, so Castle elaborated.

“I’m a writer.” He said. “Mystery novels. Murders. I was given permission to follow Beckett around for material for my next book, and now I’m a part of the team.” He smiled.

“Oh, cool.” Ryan said. “So then, how long have the two of you been together?”

“We never said we were together.” Beckett said.

“But we are. Do you remember, Ryan?” Castle asked.

“No,” Ryan shrugged. “I just assumed. Plus, the wedding rings. It made sense to me.”

They ate in silence for a time before Ryan spoke again. “So, my partner…” He said slowly. “Are he and I… I mean, how close are we? Partners and best friends, but is it just at work or do we hang out all the time?”

Beckett and Castle exchanged another look, knowing that, even if Ryan didn’t realize why, he really needed Esposito there.

“Honestly, I hardly ever see one of you without the other. There was that one time the two of you stopped speaking for a while, but you made up pretty quickly and since then you’ve been inseparable.” Beckett said.

“Huh…” Ryan thought for a minute. “So then, why isn’t he here?”

~.~.~

Esposito stepped into work about a week later, the same grim expression he'd had on his face the whole week. Since that first day at the hospital, he hadn't been to see his partner. He'd thought about it, even made a plan to go, but he could never bring himself to actually visit. Everytime he thought about going, he had an awful pang in his stomach. The thought of having to go back in that room and see a blank stare from someone who meant so much to him hurt too much.

"Hey." Beckett said as he sat down at his desk.

Esposito nodded his head in greeting and then grabbed some of the paperwork he was meant to have finished by now.

"Ryan's going home today." She said.

Esposito swallowed. "That's good." He said softly.

Beckett sighed and sat against his desk. "What are you doing, Espo?" She said, a note of anger in her tone.

Esposito held up some of the papers. "Paperwork." He said.

"That's not what I mean." She rolled her eyes. "I mean what do you think you're doing staying away from Ryan?"

Esposito sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"You think this is going to help or change anything? You can't just avoid him forever, Espo. He's still your partner, he's not going anywhere."

"He's already gone, Beckett." Esposito said through gritted teeth.

Beckett shook her head. "No. He's not. Castle and I see him every day. He doesn't remember us from before, but he's still the same Ryan."

"He's not the same."

"He's got the same personality. I can't believe you won't go see him."

Esposito stood furiously. He gave Beckett a long stare before turning around and stalking off toward the break room.

Beckett watched him go and then pinched the bridge of her nose. She knew this wasn't going to help anything if Esposito continued to avoid Ryan forever. He wouldn't talk about it, hardly acknowledged when they mentioned him. He never said anything concerning Ryan, and it was taking a toll on all of them, including Ryan who couldn't even remember Esposito.

"Beckett." Castle said, stepping up behind her with a coffee. "You wanna go see Ryan today? He's gonna be going home later once they release him."

Beckett took the coffee. "Yeah, we'll go at lunch." She said.

Castle cleared his throat. "Think we can get Espo to go?"

Beckett shrugged. "I don't think so." She said softly. "He's still the same he's been all week. He's not gonna go."

“Well, did you tell him? Did you tell him Ryan’s been asking about him?”

“He didn’t let me get that far. He always gets defensive whenever I bring Ryan up.” Beckett sighed. “I think he feels guilty about not going, but I also think Ryan not remembering him is hurting him too much. I just hope, in time, the guilt will outweigh the fear of having to go in there and have Ryan look at him like that.”

“I can’t accept that.” Castle said angrily.

“Castle-”

“No.” Castle said. “Where did he go? I’m gonna talk some sense into him.”

“I don’t disagree that Esposito isn’t handling this well and I think he definitely should just grow some balls and go see him, but we can’t force him to. If he doesn’t go, he doesn’t go.”

“Beckett, you told me that the doctor said Ryan was going to need support if he was going to ever get better. He’s been asking about Esposito. He doesn’t remember him, but he feels empty without him, and it’s going to make it harder for him to get better. This isn’t just about Esposito. Ryan needs help too. The both of them need each other.”

Beckett sighed. “I think he went to the break room.” She said. “But, Castle, don’t… be too harsh. Esposito’s hurting, and getting mad at him will only put him on the defense.”

Castle nodded and headed over to the break room to find Esposito sitting at the table not touching his cup of coffee and looking angry and defeated.

“What do you want, Castle?” Esposito asked, not looking at him.

Castle sat down across from him and took a second to speak. “How long has it been?” He asked.

“What?”

“How long has it been since you last saw Ryan?”

Esposito tried to stand and get out of there, but Castle stood with him and blocked his path.

Castle wasn’t a small dude, but he had no training and Esposito could flatten him in two seconds if he wanted to, which he sort of did at that moment.

“Just answer me this.” Castle said, knowing full well what Esposito was capable of and not wanting to be on the receiving end of his right hook. “If he could remember you, would you still leave him to recover on his own? He needs you, Esposito.”

“He doesn’t need me.” Esposito growled. “He doesn’t even remember me.” He brushed past Castle, but before he could leave, Castle left him with one more thought.

“A part of him remembers.” He said. “If it didn’t, Ryan wouldn’t always feel disappointed every time we tell him you’re not coming.”

Esposito stopped and took a second before turning around, his eyes watery with unshed tears. “I just can’t.” He said before turning and leaving Castle alone in the break room.


	4. Reunited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if Ryan likes cranberry juice. I guess just consider that my headcanon.

“I’m sorry, Kate. He won’t see anyone today either.”

Beckett sighed into the phone. “Okay, well at least tell him we wanted to stop by.”

“I will.” Mrs. Ryan promised. She hesitated. “Kate? Is Javier…”

Beckett took a minute to respond. “We’ve been trying to get him to visit. It’s just that every time we bring it up, he gets defensive and leaves the room. I think he wants to see him, he’s just not ready yet.”

“Okay.” Mrs. Ryan sighed. “Well, thanks for trying anyway. I know how difficult this is on you. I just hope Javi stops being so stubborn soon. It seems like Kevin is just getting worse, not better.”

Beckett never wanted to hit Esposito more than she wanted to hit him now. He would defend Ryan to the death, but for some reason he couldn’t understand that his actions now were hurting Ryan more than anything else could.

“I’ll try talking to him again soon.” Beckett promised. She hung up the phone and put her face in her hands.

She looked up when Esposito returned from the break room with a cup of coffee. The weeks after the accident, he’d accidentally made two cups out of habit. He would then hand one cup to Beckett as if that was his intention, but he knew how she took her coffee and the cup he would hand her was never meant for her. It was always sweetened to Ryan’s liking. Now he’d broken that habit, only making one cup. It was so simple, but it broke her heart every time.

She watched him sit at his desk and debated whether or not she should talk to him about Ryan again.

They’d stopped updating Esposito on Ryan’s condition. It was Castle’s idea. (“If he really cares about Ryan, he can visit him or bring it up himself. He can’t avoid him forever.”) But Beckett knew the separation was taking its toll on both her partners. The last time she saw Ryan and told him Esposito wasn’t coming, he looked so dejected. Every time she’d talked to his parents, they would tell her he wasn’t trying as hard to remember or regain the strength in his legs. They practically begged Beckett to force Esposito to come, but every time she tried, Esposito would get angry and storm off. 

So she did what Castle suggested and didn’t talk to him about it. If there was any part of Esposito that still cared for his partner, he would visit him.

Then, finally, exactly three months and five days after the accident, Esposito asked.

Beckett caught him looking at her more than once and hoped that meant he was trying to find the words. He would look at her and then immediately pretend to do something else when she caught him. Around lunchtime, he finally got the courage to walk over to her desk.

He hesitated. “How’s Ryan?”

Beckett looked up from her computer. “You want the truth or the answer that will make you feel better?”

Esposito looked down at his feet. “Truth.”

“Not good.” She said. “He stopped asking about you, but he’s also not getting better. More bad days than good. He gets frustrated when we try to get him to remember anything. And I guess physical therapy isn’t going too well either, so he still can’t walk very well.” She was definitely not nice about it, but Esposito needed the harsh truth.

He took a bit to respond, trying to sift through his guilt. “Beckett, would it be okay if I took a long lunch?”

Beckett smiled. “Go.”

“But the case.” Esposito protested.

“Go. Now, please.” She stood. “As lead detective, I’m ordering you to go.” She lightly smacked him upside the head. “Idiot.”

Esposito gave her a small smile and practically sprinted to the elevator and down to his car. He knew it was going to be awkward and difficult, but he also knew that there was nothing he wanted more than to see Ryan again. It had been difficult without him. More so than he’d anticipated. He thought never seeing him would be easier. It wasn’t.

He stepped out of his car and up to the Ryan’s home. His heart was beating fast and the anxiety was eating up at him. But he had to do this. He had to see Ryan again. Slowly, he reached out and rang the doorbell.

“Javi!” Mrs. Ryan said once she’d opened the door, a smile on her face and a note of surprise in her voice.

“Hey, Mrs. Ryan.” Esposito said. He cleared his throat. “Uh, is Kevin here?”

“Of course, yes. Come in.” She stepped aside.

Esposito had been in this house many times over the years. Ryan and Esposito of course hadn’t met until they were adults, but they’d sort of become a part of each others’ families anyway. Holidays and birthday parties were usually doubled, once at the Ryan’s and once at the Esposito’s. But despite all the times he’d spent at this house, Esposito still felt like a stranger walking through the halls, and it was in big part due to the fact that the one person he wanted to see was probably not going to recognize him.

Mrs. Ryan led him to the living room where Ryan was sitting on the couch with the tv remote in one hand and a glass of some kind of juice in the other. Probably cranberry. The crazy bastard loved cranberry juice.

Esposito felt his stomach do a flip as he realized all Ryan’s injuries had healed. It was a testament to how long he’d been avoiding him. Last he’d seen, Ryan had a bandage around his head, an arm in a cast, and bandages around his middle. Now he looked like the same old Kevin. In fact, he looked like there was nothing wrong at all. Esposito half expected him to jump up and give him a hug and complain about how long it had been since they’d seen each other. But, of course, Esposito knew that wouldn’t happen. Ryan still couldn’t remember him.

Ryan looked up when they approached and his eyebrows shot up when he noticed Esposito standing behind his mother.

The silence following was awkward at best and, clearly not wanting to be a part of it any longer, Mrs. Ryan spoke up.

“Well, I’ll let you two talk.” She said, taking a step toward what Esposito assumed was her bedroom. “Unless there’s anything else you needed, Kevin?”

“No, I’m okay.” Ryan said, his eyes still on Esposito.

Mrs. Ryan gave an encouraging smile to Esposito before retreating to her bedroom leaving the two boys back in their awkward silence.

Ryan cleared his throat. “Uh, you wanna sit down?” He asked.

“Oh, sure.” Esposito sat on the opposite end of the couch Ryan was sitting on and the two of them continued not saying anything for what seemed like forever until Ryan broke the silence again.

“Listen,” He said, setting down the remote and juice. “I’m sorry.”

Esposito gave him a strange look. “What do you have to be sorry about?”

Ryan shrugged. “I’ve been trying to remember you, I really have. I just… can’t for some reason. Every time Beckett and Castle come over, they try to remind me. They’ve told me stories and everything, but I can’t remember any of it.”

“Hey, man, it’s not your fault.” Esposito said. “And it hasn’t helped that I… well, that I haven’t seen you in a while. But that’s why I’m here.”

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

“Look, I’m an ass.” Esposito heaved a sigh. “Beckett sort of, hit me over the head. Figuratively and literally. You and I are best friends, and it doesn’t matter that you don’t remember, because I do. I normally would’ve been visiting you every day, taking you to your appointments, hanging out with you until you fully recovered. I guess I just… couldn’t handle the fact that you couldn’t remember. But it’s not your fault.”

The corner of Ryan’s mouth turned up ever so slightly that Esposito wasn’t completely sure it happened, but then he was shaking his head. “You don’t have to do all that.” He said. “I get that this totally sucks for you and I know you’ve got your job and probably a girlfriend or something. I don’t think you’re married, right? No one ever said…”

“I’m not.” Esposito said. “And I’m also not taking no for an answer. We used to hang out all the time, Kev. Every day. Not seeing you every day is really taking a toll on my social life.”

“It’s not gonna be the same.”

“You’re still Kevin.” Esposito shrugged. “You lost your memories, you haven’t lost who you are. There’s a reason we’re best friends. I’m gonna help you out, man. It’s what we do. I’m your partner, that means I’m with you till the wheels fall off.”

Ryan blinked as if a flash of something scratched the very surface of his memory. “With you till the wheels fall off.” He said softly, then he smiled. “I like that.”

“You should, you’re the one who said it to me first.” Esposito said.

Ryan cocked his head to the side. “Did I?” He asked. “Huh. Did I come up with it right on the spot? Because that’s a good line.”

Esposito rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you’re the same old Kevin.”

It was the first real smile Esposito had seen Ryan give since the accident, and he felt stupid for taking so long to figure things out. Ryan was his partner and he’d let the guy suffer while he went off acting like a whiny baby. However hard it was for Esposito, it had to be ten times worse for Ryan.

They ended up talking for two and a half hours. Really about anything and everything. Ryan gave Esposito updates on his condition and Esposito provided some memories for Ryan to try to grasp onto. They were unsuccessful and, noticing Ryan looking exhausted, Esposito tried to talk about other things. It was hard with someone with no memories, but they worked through their conversations well enough.

“So, what am I supposed to call you?” Ryan asked after a while. “Beckett and Castle said we usually use last names, so do you want me to call you Esposito?”

“Usually you do at work.” Esposito nodded. “But when we’re just hanging out like this, you call me Javi.”

“Javi,” Ryan said, smiling. “Okay, yeah, I can do that.”

Esposito couldn’t help the feeling he got right in his gut as Ryan said his name. He wasn’t even sad that he had to remind him. He was just so happy to hear it at all.

They continued with their conversation until, after a while, Esposito noticed Ryan getting fidgety.

“You alright, man?”

Ryan cleared his throat. “Uh, well…” He tried to look anywhere but at Esposito.

“What’s wrong?” Esposito asked. “Do you need something? I know this house pretty well, just say the word.”

“Um…” Ryan’s face was getting a little red. “I… need to pee and… well, my legs…”

Esposito had seen every side of Ryan there was to see, which made this situation not even slightly awkward… for him. Ryan, on the other hand, must have felt like he was talking to a complete stranger, which of course made this weird.

“Okay, you want me to grab your mom? Or I guess is your dad around? I mean, I could help if you wanted me to.”

Ryan chewed on his lip a little. “Well, that’s the thing. My mom can help me pretty okay, but you’ve seen her. She’s kind of a tiny woman. And you… well, you’ve kind of got these huge arms and I figured…”

Esposito wanted to laugh, but he didn’t want to make Ryan feel even more awkward. So instead he smiled. “I can help you, Kevin, it’s no trouble.”

“You’re sure?” Ryan still wouldn’t look at him.

In answer, Esposito stood and held out his hand, the smile still on his face.

Ryan looked at Esposito’s outstretched hand and then up at his face. He had absolutely no memories of the guy, but it was clear why they were friends. Esposito was kind of a sweetheart.

He put his hand in Esposito’s and another flash across his face indicating a glimpse of memory made him stop for a second.

“You alright?” Esposito asked.

Ryan looked back up at Esposito and gave a smile. “Yeah.” He said. “I’m okay.”

Esposito hauled Ryan to his very wobbly feet and then put one of Ryan’s arms around his shoulders and the two of them began the very slow walk toward the bathroom.

After a few steps, Ryan cleared his throat. “Um, Javi?”

“Yeah?”

“Not that this isn’t helpful, but… well, I had a lot of juice and this is a little bit of an emergency.” He was blushing again and not looking at Esposito.

Esposito rolled his eyes again and leaned down to very carefully pull Ryan up into his arms bridal style. Ryan had both arms around Esposito’s neck and the two of them suddenly found their faces very close to one another.

“I was right about those muscles.” Ryan said softly.

Esposito smiled and continued on, his partner held safely in his arms.


	5. More To It Than We Think

“I can’t ask him, mom.”

“Honey, please? Your dad and I have taken as much time off as we can, we’re gonna need his help with this.”

“What if he doesn’t have the time either? He’s got work too, you know.”

“Kevin, honey,” Mrs. Ryan sat next to him on the couch. “Javier has never been and will never be too busy for you. He said to call if we ever needed anything, and asking for a ride to therapy isn’t a big thing to ask. Just call him.”

Ryan sighed. He was sure he wouldn’t have a problem with this if he could remember anything, but he felt like he’d just met Esposito and asking him for things was too much.

“I can call him if you want, but you keep insisting that you want to do things for yourself. Do you want me to call him?”

Ryan looked over at the cell phone on the side table. “No, I can do it.” He said softly.

Mrs. Ryan nodded. “Okay. Hurry, because dad and I have to leave soon.” She stood and left Ryan alone with his cell.

He picked it up and twirled it around in his hand, a nervous habit he assumed his body was remembering. He chewed his lip a little as he unlocked the screen and opened his contacts, scrolling down to his partner’s name. Esposito was speed dial #2, something he figured out a few weeks ago when he’d pressed it out of pure habit.

He’d been feeling bored and lonely and apparently his body knew he always called Esposito when he felt that way because he opened his phone and, instead of opening a game, he pressed #2. It rang once and he hung up immediately, but since then he’d been very careful and aware of what he was doing with his phone.

And, the thing was, he would have been glad to talk to Esposito. Even without memories, the two of them had become good friends again and he would have liked to have someone to talk to. But it all felt so weird.

He hated the way Esposito looked at him. He would catch him out of the corner of his eye looking at him with the saddest expression. Ryan never wanted to get mad at him or snap at him. It was strange and a little creepy, but Ryan never said a word because he, weirdly enough, wanted Esposito around constantly. He felt this pull toward the man, like they knew each other from another life and their souls wanted to be together or something.

Of course, Ryan knew why it felt that way. But he also sometimes wondered if he and Esposito were a thing. The way Esposito looked at him, the pull he felt toward him, the fact that he seemed to not have any other friends and therefore apparently spent all his time with his partner.

He’d wanted to ask someone, but the one thing he did remember was that this topic was sensitive. He wasn’t sure what his parents would say, or even if he’d talked to them about it before the crash. He had no clue if he’d talked about it to anyone at all or if he’d kept it to himself. Because he could feel the sexual tension from his side and he knew there was definitely an attraction there, which meant there had to be an attraction before he’d lost all his memories.

Ryan looked down at his phone. He wanted to see Esposito again, he wanted him to take him to therapy, and, if he was being honest, he also wanted to do other inappropriate things with him.

But, for now, hanging out would have to do.

He scrolled back down to Esposito’s name and hit call.

~.~.~

“What do we have, Espo?” Beckett asked as she pulled on her gloves and stepped over to the body, Castle following close behind holding her coffee.

“Angelina Moreno.” Esposito said, crouching down by the body and waiting for Beckett to do the same. “35, unmarried, lives alone in this apartment with a cat. She’d been gone for a week and had a neighbor watch the cat. Neighbor comes in to feed it, finds her on the floor in a pool of blood, calls 911. Neighbor says she wasn’t expecting Angelina back until tomorrow morning. No signs of a break in. So far it looks like she knew whoever it was. Maybe they came to the door and she let them in, or they had a key.”

“Does she have a boyfriend?” Beckett asked.

“Not confirmed, but a girl like that would definitely have a guy. Or a girl. I don’t discriminate.” Esposito’s phone went off and he fished it out of his pocket. “It’s Ryan. Um, can I…?”

“Yeah, but don’t take too long.” Beckett smiled. “Okay, Lanie, what do you have?”

“Multiple stab wounds to the back and back of the neck, indicating she was turned away from the killer…”

Esposito stepped out of the apartment where it was quieter and answered the phone.

“Hey, Ry, what’s up?”

“Esposito? Or Javi?”

Esposito chuckled. “Javi’s fine. What’s up?”

“Um… okay, I’m gonna try to make this sound not as awkward, but I’m finding out quickly that I’m clearly not good at that.”

“Okay.” Esposito was smiling. Ryan was too cute for his own good.

“Okay, so I have a physical therapy appointment today and my parents have to go back to work so I have no one to take me and I was wondering if maybe you might have the time, but I totally understand if you don’t because of work or whatever, I just thought I’d take a chance and-”

“What time?” Esposito cut off his rambling.

“Um, three.”

“I’ll be by to pick you up at two-thirty.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure Beckett will let me knock off early, especially to help you out.”

“Okay… as long as you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. I’ll see you at two-thirty.”

“Okay. And, Javi?”

“Yeah?”

“I… well, thanks.”

“No problem, Kev. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Bye.”

~.~.~

At two-thirty on the dot, Esposito rang the Ryans doorbell. He heard a muffled “Come in!” from the other side and when he entered the house, he saw Ryan sitting on the couch dressed in sweatpants, a t shirt, and sneakers with the laces untied.

“Hey.” Ryan said, smiling. “Thanks again for doing this, Espo. At some point I should be able to drive, or at least hail a cab by myself.”

Esposito stopped in his tracks.

“What?” Ryan asked, worried he’d said something wrong.

“Nothing, just…” Esposito shrugged. “You called me Espo.”

“Oh. I did, didn’t I? I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize.” Esposito said quickly. “I just… it’s a nickname that everyone calls me, and it’s the first time you called me that since the accident and, I dunno, I guess it’s just nice to hear you say it.” He felt lame and a little bit like a stupid teenager, but Ryan smiled. “Uh, you ready to go?”

“Yeah, I just, um… I have basic motor skills in my hands, but tying shoes is kind of…”

“Ah, right. No problem.” Esposito stepped over to the couch and knelt down in front of his partner, lifting his right foot onto his knee and tying the lace.

“You’re really helpful.” Ryan said as Esposito moved onto the second shoe. “You do a lot for me when you don’t have to. Why?”

Esposito finished tying the shoe slowly and then looked up at his partner. “Because when you have a partner, they’re closer to you than family. I care about you, Kev. A lot. And tying your shoes is nothing, especially when I know you’d do the same.”

“But I can’t remember you.” Ryan shrugged helplessly. “Doesn’t that, I dunno, make you mad?”

Esposito stood and then sat next to Ryan on the couch. “At first it did. I wasn’t mad at you, of course, but the situation sucked. But, Kevin, it doesn’t matter what happens to you. I’m never going to stop caring about you and I’m always going to help you in any way I can. If the roles were reversed, you would do exactly the same. Well, not exactly. You wouldn’t have avoided me for as long as I avoided you.”

Ryan looked down at his hands. “Javi?”

“Yeah?”

“If we were in a normal situation and you’d said all that to the Kevin that could remember, would I hug you?”

Esposito smiled. “Yeah.” He said. “I think you would.”

Ryan finally looked at Esposito and then shifted closer and put his arms around his neck, Esposito wrapping his own arms around Ryan’s waist.

“We should probably get going.” Esposito said softly after a minute.

“Right.” Ryan said, pulling away and then quickly wiping at the tears that had welled up in his eyes. “Sorry.” He said, sniffing. “I’m being stupid.”

“Nah, man, it’s not stupid.” Esposito shook his head. “You’ve always had a big heart.” He lightly punched Ryan’s shoulder and then stood. “Ready?” He asked, holding a hand out for Ryan to take.

Ryan let himself be pulled to his feet.

“You got anything to help you walk?”

Ryan hesitated. “Um… you.”

Esposito raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have a cane or something.”

“Nope, because I’m not an old man, I can get around fine, thank you very much.” He stumbled and Esposito caught him before something really bad could happen.

“A cane isn’t just for old people.” Esposito reasoned. “It’s just there to help you.”

“Yeah, well, a cane doesn’t help anyway.” Ryan said. “I… fell last time I tried to use one. C’mon, we’re gonna be late.”

He didn’t like wearing Ryan out like this, but he was a grown ass man who could make his own decisions. Though, Esposito would feel better if Ryan would use a cane or a walker or something. His hands were shaky as he gripped Esposito’s arms and it was clear that just walking out to the car was tiresome. He was going to wear himself out before he even made it to therapy.

They drove in silence until Esposito turned on the radio to fill the awkward air around them.

Ryan tapped his fingers to the beat. “This song sounds familiar.” He said once it got to the chorus.

Esposito turned it up a little. “Man, you love this song.” He said. “When it first came out, you listened to it constantly. Beckett almost took your ipod away because you kept playing the song in the middle of slow days.”

Ryan smiled. “One good thing about this, I get to experience things for the first time again. Like Castle’s books. He told me to let him know what I think when I finish them.”

“You’re gonna love them.”

“They’re really good, huh?”

“Dunno, I’ve never read them. But you loved them the first time around.”

They pulled up to the building and Esposito killed the motor.

“Okay you want me to go in and get you something to help you walk? I’m sure they have wheelchairs or something so you don’t get tired walking to the door.”

“Javi, I’m fine.” Ryan insisted. “I’ll never be able to walk again if I keep using a crutch.”

Esposito got out of the car and then stepped over to the passenger side and helped Ryan out. “There’s no shame in getting help, Kev.”

Ryan shakily got to his feet. “I know.” He said. “That’s why I asked you to help.”

The two of them began the slow walk to the front door of the building which opened as they approached and a nice looking lady stood there

“Kevin Ryan.” She said, folding her arms and shaking her head. “You can use the walker, Kevin. You’ll still learn to walk if you use the walker.”

“Don’t need it, Joan.” Ryan said. “I’ve got this guy helping me today.”

Joan gave Esposito a smile and then walked forward to help. “And who is this guy?” She asked.

“Joan, this is my friend Javier.” Ryan said.

“Ah, the famous Javier Esposito.” Joan said, smiling over at him.

“Famous?” Esposito gave Ryan a look. “What have you been telling people.”

“I have no memories, Javi.” Ryan said. “I promise I haven’t told anyone your dark secrets, mostly because I don’t know what they are.”

Esposito was more than happy to fall into their usual banter, even if the circumstances weren't exactly choice. It was reassuring to know that he was still Ryan. Still goofy and adorable.

They made it to the door and Joan stepped over to hold it open for them.

She signed Ryan in while Esposito helped him to a chair so he could sit. The walk had indeed made him tired and he took those few minutes to rest before the real work began.

Esposito helped wherever he could. Joan definitely utilized his muscles often and at one point she left the two of them alone to work on walking while she took care of something.

Ryan took slow tentative steps and Esposito stood next to him, his arms out and ready to catch Ryan should he fall.

And, of course, that’s exactly what he did. He’d taken quite a few steps on his own before his legs gave out and he dropped, Esposito catching him and the two of them falling to the ground together.

“That was good.” Esposito encouraged.

“That sucked.” Ryan replied.

“Take the small victories, man.” Esposito said, refusing to let Ryan be sad about falling. “Because that’s what drives you. And then, one day, you’re gonna walk out of here without any help from anything or anyone.”

“Yeah…” Ryan sighed. “You mind if we take a break? At least until Joan gets back.”

“Sure.” Esposito sat cross legged and Ryan followed suit. “You wanna try to remember stuff?”

Ryan shook his head. “Nah, let’s talk about something else. Like, I dunno, you guys working on a case?”

“Yeah, actually. Got a new one this morning. Some lady got stabbed in the back about seven times.”

“Oh wow!”

“Yeah, we haven’t made much progress on it. We know she has a boyfriend somewhere because she has a drawer set aside for his stuff, but we don’t know who it is. Other than that, the only thing we have is that she has a cat, works at a department store, and she got into a car accident a few months ago. It’s slow going, but we’re getting there.”

Ryan nodded just as Joan entered the room.

“You ready to get back on the horse?” She asked.

Ryan sighed and Esposito stood, smiling as he hauled Ryan to his feet. “You can do it man. Then after this we can go get chinese food.”

They worked hard for the rest of the appointment and Ryan was completely drained by the end of it, but he was happy with the progress they’d made. They said goodbye to Joan and began to make their slow way back to the car.

“I could just carry you.” Esposito offered.

“It’s not that far.” Ryan said. “I can make it.”

“You’re so stubborn.” Esposito rolled his eyes but was still content to let Ryan call the shots.

They’d almost made it to the car when they heard it, a gunshot that reverberated off the buildings surrounding them, the bullet whizzing right past Ryan’s ear and smashing into the glass window behind them. Esposito immediately grabbed Ryan and the two of them hit the ground as a second shot rang out and then a third, all three bullets dangerously close to the both of them.

The shooting stopped and the people around were shouting and running, many knowing that gunshots were not a strange sound of New York, but that being in the streets when they went off was a bad idea.

“Ryan, you okay?” Esposito asked, moving to kneel next to him.

Ryan nodded as Esposito pulled him up into a sitting position. “I’m fine.” He looked around, fear evident in his eyes. “What the hell?”


	6. Connection

“How is he?” Beckett asked.

“Shaken up.” Esposito replied, glaring at nothing in particular. “I’m gonna find the bastard who was shooting.”

“Okay, well, don’t jump to conclusions.” Beckett said.

“They tried to shoot him!” Esposito said angrily.

“How do you know they were aiming for him?” She asked, trying to be reasonable. “They could’ve been aiming at you.”

“If they were aiming for me, they would’ve hit me.” Esposito said. “I was in plain sight and they could’ve hit me easily. Those bullets were for him.”

Beckett sighed.

“Who would want to kill Ryan?” Castle asked.

“He’s a cop.” Esposito shrugged. “Everyone we’ve put behind bars wants a piece of us. It could be anybody.”

“Well, think about recent stuff.” Beckett said. “Something Ryan maybe was involved in before the accident. Anything.”

Esposito wracked his brains. Ryan of course couldn’t remember anything, so it was up to the one who spent the most time with him to remember. But there was nothing. At least, Esposito hadn’t noticed Ryan acting strange or out of character. Maybe he seemed a little distant, but nothing else.

“I don’t know.” Esposito said. “Maybe Ryan can remember something. We could bring him here and maybe the precinct will spark something in him and he’ll get a memory.”

“Are you sure he’s ready for that?” Beckett asked. “He just got shot at and he’s been recovering from a coma.”

Esposito shook his head. “I don’t know. I can ask him. Maybe he can come in tomorrow and we can see what we can get from him.”

“You know, we’re still working on a case.” Beckett reminded him. “I want to catch whoever is taking shots at Ryan as much as the next guy, but it’s not a homicide.”

“You’re right,” Esposito said. “And I’m gonna make sure it never gets to that. I can tell you right now, I’m not going to solve my best friend’s murder.”

“We’re not going to sit by and let that happen.” Beckett promised. “And I’m sure Gates will want us to find the shooter and put this case on the back burner, but for now we have a dead woman and no leads. We work on this and then bring Ryan in tomorrow. Deal?”

Esposito nodded his agreement.

~.~.~

“You ready for this?” Esposito asked as they pulled up to the precinct the next morning.

Ryan looked up at the huge building. The place seemed so familiar, but he really couldn’t latch onto anything specific. “As ready as I’ll ever be.” He said, opening the door.

Esposito quickly exited the car and ran over to Ryan’s side to help him out, Ryan keeping a firm grip on his hand so he wouldn’t fall. 

They slowly made their way into the precinct and people immediately began to greet him, people he didn’t remember even in the slightest. He was polite and said hello to everyone, but he was more confused than ever.

On the way up in the elevator, Ryan looked over at Esposito. “This place is kind of freaking me out.” He said softly.

“Don’t worry,” Esposito replied. “We’re not even gonna take you to the interrogation room. We just want to see if you can remember anything.”

Ryan nodded, though he wasn’t so sure if this was worth it. He’d tried to remember after the shooting the night before, but he’d come up with nothing. He did feel that Esposito’s theory, that coming to the precinct would spark something, might work because he was already feeling a familiar air about himself. Though, that could just be because Esposito had been by his side the whole time and was currently standing behind him and and letting Ryan hold onto his hand to keep steady. Everything about Esposito seemed familiar and Ryan always felt less confused when he was around.

The ding of the elevator arriving at their floor sent a strange wave of panic through the shorter detective and he gripped Esposito’s hand a little harder.

“You’ll be okay, Ry.” Esposito whispered softly as the doors opened.

They received stares, as was expected. Some were smiling at him, a few greeted him, but it all felt like pity. Ryan couldn’t look at any one of them and Esposito, noticing his partner staring at the floor, started with the death glares. Any time someone looked at them, Esposito would stare them down until they looked away. At this point, everyone in the precinct knew not to mess with Esposito’s partner. Ever since Ryan had transferred, Esposito had been somewhat overprotective. Now it had been quite a few years and the entire precinct knew what would happen if they so much as looked at Ryan wrong.

Ryan eventually did look up when they made it to their desks, Beckett and Castle waiting for them.

“Hey, Kevin.” Castle said, smiling at him.

Ryan smiled back. It was always nice to see some familiar faces, even if they were only familiar to a point.

“So, one of the other teams is using the room we’re gonna use, so we have to wait for a few minutes.” Beckett said.

“You wanna sit down?” Esposito asked.

“Yeah.” Ryan replied.

Esposito led him to his desk and Ryan stopped when he saw the nameplate. He believed them when they told him he was a detective, but this somehow made it real. He worked at the 12th precinct. He had a desk, a nameplate, a picture, random trinkets. He worked here.

“Oh, wow.” Ryan said as he sat in his chair. “I really knew what I was doing when I picked this chair out.”

Esposito laughed and sat in his own chair, spinning it around to face his partner. “You better appreciate that. We were chair shopping for hours and then you made me help you put it together.”

Ryan smiled. “Well, thanks for your help, because this really is a good chair.”

“No problem.” Of course, that was in response to the chair, but Esposito meant it for everything. Everything he did for Ryan was no problem. Not at all.

Ryan spun around in the chair and began looking through his desk, opening drawers and seeing what he was like before. Apparently he was a cross between organized and not at all. The two big drawers had folders in them that were labelled and in alphabetical order, but the drawer in the middle had random things in it that looked like just a bunch of junk. He pulled out nail clippers, paperclips, a broken keychain, snippets of paper, and a paper folded into a triangle.

Ryan held up the triangle paper and looked at Esposito. “What is this?”

“That’s our paper football.” Esposito said, scooting his chair over to Ryan’s desk. “Hold your fingers up like a goal post, like this.” He held up the thumb and forefinger of both hands in the shape of an L and pressed his thumbs together. 

Ryan imitated the gesture.

“Okay, just hold them like that and then I do this.” Esposito set one corner of the paper football on the desk and held it standing with one finger. With the other hand, he flicked the paper and it sailed through Ryan’s fingers and hit him in the face.

Ryan flinched and caught the paper.

Esposito laughed. “Goal!” He said.

“Okay, my turn.” Ryan said, setting up the football the way Esposito had.

They played with the football for about fifteen minutes, everything feeling normal because they did that all the time. Even Ryan felt more at ease, the game feeling so familiar that he forgot where he was.

“You’re cheating.” Ryan declared when it was clear Esposito had way more points.

“I just know how to play the game.” Esposito shrugged.

“Hey, guys.” Beckett said, stepping over to them. “We’re ready.” She hated to break up their fun, but they couldn’t forget why Ryan was there in the first place, and it really was imperative that they find Ryan’s shooter.

Esposito put away the paper football and stood, helping Ryan stand and then slowly walk into the room. Once they stepped into the room and took their places on the couch, Beckett shut the door and then she and Castle sat in the chairs across from them.

“Okay, Ryan.” Beckett said. “If any of this gets to be too much, just let us know. We don’t want to push you past your limit.”

“I’ll be fine.” Ryan insisted, though they all knew how frustrated he got when he couldn’t remember something.

Beckett nodded. “Okay, so what do you remember, or do you remember anything at all?”

Ryan stopped and thought about it. “I’m… I’m not sure. Sometimes I’ll get something but it’ll only last a second and then I’ve lost it again.”

“So, you remember nothing up until after the crash?” She asked.

“I think I remember you guys.” He said. “Sometimes I’ll have flashes or even dreams of hanging out with people, which I’m pretty sure are you guys.”

“Do you remember doing anything else. Aside from the precinct and hanging out with us, is there anything else you did?” Beckett pressed.

Ryan shook his head. “I can’t remember. Everything is just… blank.”

Beckett sighed and sat back. “When you get these flashes, what are you doing? What triggers them?”

Ryan thought about it. “I don’t know. Small ones would happen every once in a while, but they started getting stronger recently. Actually, I got a big one the day Esposito first came to visit me. Then again yesterday when we went to therapy.”

Beckett’s eyebrows shot up and she suddenly had a theory. “What did you remember?”

“Hm…” Ryan sat back. “Well, the first time, I remember shaking someone’s hand. I don’t know whose hand, but I do know their skin was kinda rough. And the second time, I remembered a coffee shop. Not much about it, but I was sitting across from someone. I don’t remember who, but I’m pretty sure it was a guy. Everything else is just small flashes of doing things, like playing a videogame or having a beer with someone.”

Beckett took a second to think about that. All the memories seemed like they involved one person. And, of course, she knew exactly who that person was, even if Ryan still hadn’t figured it out. “What about the crash?” She asked. “Do you remember anything about the crash?”

Ryan thought about it. “Only what I’ve heard. A car t-boned another and it hit me.”

“Do you remember what you were doing before?”

“No.” He said. “I don’t think so.”

“Think about it.” Beckett said softly. “You were walking with me down the street. We’d gone out for coffee. We were talking about someone.”

Ryan looked up at her, his expression confused as if he could almost remember.

“Who were we talking about, Ryan?”

Esposito, in an effort to help, put a hand on Ryan’s shoulder.

They saw the flash of memory hit him and Beckett smiled. “You remember, don’t you?”

“We… we were talking about… him.”

Esposito and Castle exchanged a look, completely confused as to what was happening, but Beckett and Ryan knew. Beckett knew more, of course, but Ryan had figured out that one detail. And, even if it had nothing to do with who had shot him, it proved Beckett’s theory. Esposito was the key to Ryan’s memories.

Ryan leaned forward and rubbed his eyes.

“I think we’re done.” Esposito said, rubbing Ryan’s back. “You wanna get outta here?”

Ryan nodded and allowed Esposito to help him up. Remembering shouldn’t have been as exhausting as it was, but it drained Ryan every time.

Beckett and Castle followed them out. 

“We’ll figure this out.” Beckett promised. “We’ll find out who the shooter is and we’ll get your memories back.”

Ryan nodded. “Thanks for all your help, guys. Really. I’ll repay you once I can walk again.” He frowned down at his legs.

“You don’t need to repay us.” Castle said. “We’re friends, it’s what we do.”

Ryan smiled at him then looked up at his partner. “Let’s go.” He said softly.

Esposito nodded and they made their way past the desks and murder board. Ryan glanced up at it, then stopped.

“Who’s that?” He asked, looking at the picture of the murder victim.

Beckett stepped over to them. “That’s our victim.” She said. “She was stabbed in her apartment the other day.” She looked back at Ryan’s contemplative face. “Do you know her?”

Ryan hesitated. “No…” He said softly. “She seems familiar, but… Maybe I just saw her on the street once.”

Beckett looked from Ryan to the picture and then caught Esposito’s eye. Ryan’s memory the way it was wouldn’t just remember a random person on the street. Their victim was was connected to Ryan somehow.

She and Esposito came to the connection at the same time. Whoever killed her was probably the one who shot at Ryan.


	7. Tell Him

“From now on, Ryan, you are on this case.” Gates said, the team all gathered in her office. “I know you have no memories, but you are still one of my detectives, and a damn good one. Besides that, you are also the key to this case. If you can, I’d like you here working with Detectives Beckett and Esposito. Detective Beckett tells me the precinct is sparking memory, and I’d like for you to be here as much as you can in case you start remembering. Do you think you can do that?”

Ryan nodded. “Yeah, I think so. I don’t know how much help I’ll be…”

“Even if you remember nothing, we can still use you. Sometimes these things need a fresh eye. It’s possible you’ll see something they won’t.” She smiled at him. “You’re still one of my detectives, Ryan. I may not have been the one who hired you, but you wouldn’t still be working here if you were bad at your job.”

Ryan gave her a smile.

“Now get to work, all of you.”

They filed out of her office, Esposito helping Ryan, and immediately got to work.

"I want to know everything about her." Beckett said, stepping up to the murder board and putting up their new information about Ryan. "Angelina and Ryan know each other, and I want to know why. Espo, take Ryan to her apartment and see if he recognizes anything, and maybe sweep through it again. You might find something we missed. Castle and I will go over phone records and see if she ever contacted Ryan in any way."

Esposito nodded and he and Ryan stood, beginning the slow walk to the elevator.

"I'm a little worried about how this is going to affect the case." Ryan said slowly as the elevator went down.

"What do you mean?" Esposito asked.

"I'm supposed to be a cop." Ryan replied as they made their way out to the car. "Cops are supposed to be physically fit, and look at me. I can't even take two steps without help. What happens if we're in a dangerous situation? I won't be able to run anywhere, I can't defend myself. I'll get us both killed."

"We're not gonna be doing anything dangerous, Kev." Esposito said, helping Ryan into the car and then jogging over to the driver's seat and getting into the car. "We're just going to collect evidence and go back to the precinct and stay there."

"We weren't doing anything dangerous yesterday either and we almost got killed." Ryan looked down at his hands.

Esposito suddenly understood. "Hey." He put a hand under Ryan's chin, forcing him to look up. "Nothing is going to happen to you. You're with me now. And this time I have a gun."

Ryan huffed out a laugh and Esposito moved his hand from Ryan's chin to his shoulder.

"I'm not letting anything happen to you. I promise."

Ryan nodded and Esposito put the car in gear.

Angelina's apartment wasn't too far from the precinct and, when they arrived, it was still blocked off with police tape. Esposito held the tape up and Ryan leaned against the doorframe to help himself through.

"Anything familiar?" Esposito asked once he was back to helping Ryan stand.

Ryan looked around. "Not really."

"Anything at all?"

Ryan shook his head. "Nothing here is familiar, Javi." He gestured to a picture of Angelina and someone else on the wall. "Except her face. It's the only thing I recognize."

Esposito sighed. "Well, let's take a look around. Maybe we missed something last time."

They poked around the little apartment, but came up short. There was no new evidence to be found, just the same stuff they already knew. She lived alone with a cat and had a boyfriend.

After a few minutes, Ryan asked if it would be okay to sit on the couch. Esposito decided it couldn't disturb the scene too much and obliged.

"Hey, maybe you're the boyfriend." Esposito said after a minute.

Ryan gave him a look. "What?"

"Yeah, maybe you know her because they two of you were dating."

"I highly doubt that." Ryan said, shaking his head.

"Why? She was pretty, you're unattached. Perfect match."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "If we were together, don't you think she would have at least tried to visit me in the hospital? It's been months. If we were together, she probably would have been concerned that she hasn't heard from me in a while."

"Fair point." Esposito nodded.

"She had a nice place, though." Ryan remarked, looking around the apartment. "And some really expensive jewelry. Did you see some of the stuff in her jewelry box?"

"That's actually kind of weird." Esposito said. "According to the file, she was a kindergarten teacher, she wouldn't have had enough money for that kind of stuff, especially if she was paying for this place."

"So, you're thinking our boyfriend is rich."

Esposito nodded. "That's exactly what I'm thinking."

"Definitely not me then."

Esposito laughed.

~.~.~

"I think we've got a boyfriend." Beckett said, handing the papers to Castle.

"Okay, but let him know that what we do in the bedroom stays in the bedroom." Castle said, looking down at the phone records he'd been handed.

Beckett raised an eyebrow and glared. "Anyway," She continued. "His name is Joshua Masters. His dad owns Masters Industries. The phone records indicate that the two of them are romantically involved. I just got an address, let's go talk to him. See why he's not concerned about his dead girlfriend."

Castle nodded and followed her to the elevator. “You know,” He said as they made their way out to the car. “I’m having a hard time figuring out how Ryan is connected in all this. Nothing in the phone records, nothing in her apartment. The only thing we know is that Ryan recognizes her.”

Beckett shrugged. “It’s possible he doesn’t really know her specifically. Maybe he knows someone who looks like her. Like a sister or something.”

Castle said nothing more on the subject, but he wasn’t going to let it go that easily.

Joshua Masters lived in a nice place that was somewhat far from the precinct, and Castle made sure the ride was long and annoying. Beckett loved him, she did, but she was never going on a road trip with him if she could help it.

"I'm bringing duct tape next time." She said as they stepped up to the front door.

"But then you wouldn't be able to hear my rendition of '100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall'." Castle protested.

Beckett was unable to answer as the door swung open and a blonde woman with perfectly manicured nails and expensive jewelry around her neck and wrists opened the door.

"Yes?" She asked.

"Detective Beckett, NYPD," Beckett said, flashing her badge. "We're looking for a Joshua Masters, does he live here?"

The woman nodded. "That's my husband. Is something wrong?"

Castle's eyebrows shot up. "And the plot thickens." He whispered in Beckett's ear.

"We'd like to ask him a few questions, is he home?"

"Of course, come in." Mrs. Masters stepped aside and led them to the living room. She then left the room with the promise to come back with her husband.

"These people are stupidly rich." Castle said, looking around the room.

Beckett honestly couldn't decide which comeback to say to the famous writer sitting next to her, so she just gave him a look.

Joshua and his wife returned a second later.

“Joshua Masters?” Beckett asked, standing.

“Yes, that’s me. What’s this all about?” Joshua asked. He was tall and muscular. A big guy who could probably beat someone to a bloody pulp if he wanted. His wife looked like a shiny toothpick standing next to him.

“We’d like to ask you a few questions, if that’s alright.” Beckett said.

Joshua exchanged a look with his wife and then looked back at the detective. “Uh, sure.” He sat in one of the chairs, his wife in another, and Castle and Beckett took the couch.

“Mr. Masters,” Beckett said, reaching into her file and pulling out the picture of Angelina. “Do you know this woman right here?” She set the picture in front of him on the coffee table.

Joshua picked up the photo. “No, I can’t say that I do.” He said, clearly lying due to the flash of recognition on his face.

“Really?” Beckett asked. “Because we have phone records that suggest you do. In fact, they suggest you know her quite well-”

“Honey,” Joshua said, addressing his wife and cutting Beckett off. “Would you mind grabbing us some drinks, please? Lemonades for the detectives, and I’ll take a scotch.”

Castle smiled at being referred to as a detective and didn’t try to correct him.

Mrs. Masters gave her husband a long look and then smiled. “Of course, sweetheart.”

After she left the room, Joshua leaned forward. “Okay, look. Yes, I do know Angelina.”

“You were having an affair.” Beckett said, already knowing what was happening.

“Yes, but my wife doesn’t know, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Beckett nodded. “When was the last time you saw Angelina?” She asked.

Joshua sat back and shrugged. “I think about two weeks ago. We usually met up pretty regularly, but that last time she just… She said she wanted to break things off. She found out I was married and… she just didn’t want to get into the middle of my ‘obvious marital problems’.” He sighed. “Of course I fought with her, but she wouldn’t let it go.”

“Is that why you killed her?” Beckett asked.

“What?” Joshua leaned forward once again. “Angelina’s dead?”

“She was found stabbed to death in her apartment. You know nothing about it?”

“No.” Joshua shook his head. “This is the first I’ve heard. Stabbed to death?”

“Mr. Masters, where were you on Wednesday at about three in the morning?” Beckett continued, not answering his question.

Joshua thought about it. “Here. I was here asleep. Ask my wife.”

Mrs. Masters chose that moment to return with the drinks. “Ask me what?” She said.

“I was here on Wednesday, right? Early in the morning, we were here asleep.”

“That’s right.” She nodded. “What’s this all about? Josh, honey, are you in trouble?”

“No trouble, Mrs. Masters.” Beckett stood. “But we will be in touch.”

Castle stood with her and the two of them turned to leave. Joshua grabbed his scotch and downed the whole thing just as they left the house.

“What do you think?” Castle asked.

Beckett shrugged as she unlocked the door. “I think either Joshua is lying, or someone else has a motive.”

“Do you think breaking up with him is enough motive?”

“We’ve seen people murder for a lot less.”

“So, why aren’t we arresting him?” Castle asked.

Beckett took a minute. “Because he seems genuinely upset. Even actors don’t act that well.”

“Where does that leave us?”

“Square one.”

~.~.~

“Does he look familiar at all?” Beckett asked, holding the picture of Joshua out to Ryan.

Ryan shrugged and shook his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t recognize him.”

Beckett nodded. “Well, it was a long shot, anyway.” She sighed. “Clearly someone else had it in for her.”

“What about the wife?” Esposito asked. “If your husband was having an affair, wouldn’t you want to get your revenge?”

“I mean, maybe. But she doesn’t know anything about the affair. And wouldn’t she want revenge on her husband too?” She shrugged. “And besides that, what’s Ryan’s role in all of this?”

“Maybe she fell in love with Ryan and Joshua wants to take it out on both of them.” Castle said.

Beckett was about to respond to that, when she stopped and thought. 

“That’s not bad, Castle.” Esposito praised.

“Wait, we already established I was never involved with her.” Ryan said.

“No, but it’s possible she wanted to be.” Castle said. “Think about it. A man is having an affair, but the woman he loves finds out about his wife and tells him she’s moving on. She’s found a handsome detective worthy of her love. In a jealous rage, Joshua stabs her in the back and goes off to shoot the detective who stole his woman’s affections.”

“There’s a problem with that theory, Castle.” Ryan said. “If Angelina wanted to be involved with me, don’t you think she would have at least tried to contact me in the last three months?”

“Oh, yeah…” Castle thought for a minute. “Maybe he threatened her.”

“I dunno, Castle, that just doesn’t make sense.” Beckett said, staring at the board in thought. “There’s a piece we’re missing.”

“And I’m the one who’s gotta remember it.” Ryan sighed and rubbed his eyes. “This detective stuff is stressful.”

“What about other people she knew?” Esposito asked. “Family members, friends, kids maybe?”

Beckett shook her head. “Everyone has an alibi and no one knows of anyone who would hate her. The only one with motive is Joshua.”

“We should bring him in tomorrow.” Esposito said. “Interrogate him for real. Ryan can sit behind the glass and see if he can remember anything. And maybe we’ll get a confession.”

Beckett bit her nail but nodded. “I think that’s our only option here.”

They stood in silence for a time before Ryan piped up. “What if I’m a witness?”

Everyone turned to look at him sitting comfortably in Beckett’s chair.

Ryan shrugged. “I can’t think of any other reason as to why I would be shot at. What if I saw Angelina and Joshua together and Joshua wanted to kill me because he knew I could link him to her or something.”

“That’s… that’s not bad.” Beckett said slowly. “Maybe you saw something. And you recognize Angelina because you saw her face. But you don’t recognize Joshua because maybe you didn’t see him.”

“That just puts us back where we started. We need Ryan to remember.” Esposito said.

“But now we have another piece.” Beckett said. “Ryan may not know either of them, but he may have seen something. That puts us a little bit closer.”

“I still say we bring in Masters tomorrow.”

Beckett nodded. “Okay. See if his wife will come. Might as well get a statement out of her too.”

They began packing up.

“Hey, Beckett.” Ryan said softly.

She raised her eyebrows and turned to him.

“Can… can I talk to you?”

“Of course.”

She helped him up and they made their way into the little room reserved for the nice interrogations. It was the room they used when they didn’t want to be intimidating.

Esposito watched them go and raised an eyebrow at Castle who shrugged.

“What’s up?” She asked, once the door was closed and Ryan was seated on the couch..

Ryan hesitated. “I… I remembered something, back when we were talking about the accident.”

She nodded.

“I don’t remember a lot. I just… I remember that we were talking about Esposito.”

Beckett gave him a small smiled. “Yeah. We were.”

Ryan swallowed and picked at a piece of dead skin on his thumb. “What’s my relationship with Javi? I mean, my real relationship. Because I’ve been feeling all these… weird things, and I’m not sure what they are and I just… I think there’s more to it than a partnership.”

“Okay, listen, Ryan.” Beckett moved over to sit next to him on the couch. She took a deep breath. “You’re right. We were talking about Esposito and you were talking about how your relationship is more than what it looks like.”

Ryan listened intently.

“About three minutes before the crash, you revealed something to me about Javi. About you and Javi.”

“Are… I mean, are we…?”

Beckett shook her head. “No, you never were together.”

“I wanted to be, though. Didn’t I?” Ryan asked. “That’s what I keep feeling.” He hesitated. “Beckett, am I in love with him?”

Beckett didn’t say anything, but her face confirmed it.

“He doesn’t feel the same way, does he?” Ryan asked in a small voice.

Beckett looked out the window at Esposito and Castle talking to each other. “You know, Ryan, I’m not sure. With everything that’s happened, I don’t think Esposito would do half the things he’s done for you if he didn’t love you.”

“But, it could just be platonic.” Ryan said. “He probably just wants to be friends. What if he’s straight?”

Beckett gave him a look. “Ryan, the way he looks at you is not the way a straight platonic friend looks at a person.”

Ryan bit his lip. “What if he doesn’t love me anymore? What if he did, but I’m not the same Ryan and he doesn’t want anything to do with me?”

Beckett put a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “If Esposito didn’t love you anymore, do you think he would still want to be around you all the time? And besides, how will you really know unless you ask him?”

Ryans heart was pounding in his chest. “I don’t know if I should…”

“You should tell him, Ryan. Take it from me, you should absolutely tell him.”


	8. Remember

Ryan sat at his desk, bouncing his leg. He hadn't exactly planned on telling Esposito yet, he just knew he was going to. When, he didn't know. How, he also didn't know. But it was going to happen, just as soon as he gained the courage.

Beckett and Esposito had left a little less than an hour earlier to pick up the Masters’, leaving Ryan and Castle alone at the precinct.

“It’ll be okay, Ryan.” Castle said, sitting in Esposito’s chair and handing Ryan some coffee. “They won’t be able to see you through the glass, so you won’t have to worry about Joshua trying to kill you.”

“Yeah.” Ryan said, taking a drink of coffee and not bothering to let Castle know that Joshua Masters was the least of his worries at the moment. He, of course, wasn’t looking to be shot at again, and solving the case would be nice, but there had been only one thing on his mind in the last twenty-four hours and everything else paled in comparison.

They were silent for a time, Castle every once in a while making a comment, but for the most part they didn’t say a word. Completely uncharacteristic for Castle, but Ryan was grateful for the quiet. He wanted to be alone with his thoughts for a while as he sat and tried to figure out what the hell was going on between him and his best friend.

About ten minutes later, they both received a text from Esposito at the same time. They were coming in with the Masters’. They’d decided that Ryan was going to remain out of sight when they got there, not only for Ryan’s safety, but to keep Joshua at ease so the interrogation would run smoothly. They needed him to speak rather than remain silent and ask for a lawyer.

Castle moved over to help Ryan stand and the two of them worked their way over to interrogation, heading into the observation room just before hearing the ding of the elevator. They were only there for a couple minutes before Esposito opened the door and stepped inside. 

“Okay,” He said softly. “Beckett’s about to bring Joshua in and then we’ll bring in his wife. after we take down his statement. You ready for this?”

Ryan shrugged. “I didn’t recognize his picture. I mean, that doesn’t mean it’s not him, but I kinda feel like it does.”

“Well, maybe you’ll recognize his voice or something.” Esposito said. “We gotta hurry. They weren’t exactly happy with us taking them away from work and… whatever Mrs. Masters does with her time. I’ll be back when we finish with Masters.”

Ryan nodded and watched him go. He sort of wanted it to be Joshua, just so the case could be done and he could be alone with Esposito.

The two of them watched behind the glass as Joshua was brought into interrogation and then waited a few minutes before Beckett and Esposito walked in.

Ryan studied the guy’s face, but he couldn’t think of any reason why he would know him. He only recognized him from his picture, nothing else.

Beckett went through a string of questions, asking him where he’d been, when his relationship with Angelina began and ended, how angry he was with the breakup, and anything else she could think of.

Joshua was giving nothing away. He was either very good at acting or he legitimately knew nothing.

Beckett sighed as the interrogation went down the path she was hoping to avoid, “Okay,” She said. “One last question, Mr. Masters. Do you know this man?” She pulled out a picture of Ryan and put it in front of Joshua.

Joshua studied it for a minute before shrugging. “I’ve never seen this man in my life.”

“You’re sure?”

“New York is a crowded place, but I can honestly say I’ve never seen him before. Why? Does he have something to do with Angelina?”

“We’re not sure yet.” Beckett said, pulling the picture back and placing it in the file.

“Is he the one who killed her?”

“No, Mr. Masters.” Beckett said, clearly annoyed. “Please leave the questions to us.”

Joshua sighed and sat back. “Look, I want to help you. I want to find whoever killed Angelina, but I swear to you I have no idea. I was asleep when they killed her and I wasn’t ever mad at her. I can’t even remember having a fight with her at all through our relationship. I swear, I had nothing to do with this.”

“I hope you had nothing to do with it, Joshua. Because we’ve got people searching your house right now and you better hope we don’t find anything.” Esposito said, glaring at the guy as if he could stab him in the face with just a stare.

Joshua glared back and leaned forward. “Search all you want. I’ve got nothing to hide.”

“We’ll see about that,” Beckett leaned back. “Once we talk to your wife.”

“Even if I’d done something and she knew about it, she wouldn’t rat me out.” Joshua said.

“You cheated on your wife, Joshua.” Beckett said. “For years. You really think she wouldn’t have figured it out by now. I wouldn’t rely on your wife to have your back.”

Joshua paled slightly. “I think we’re done here.” He said.

Beckett stood. “Thank you for your time, Mr. Masters.”

Ryan turned to Castle and shook his head. “Nothing about this guys is familiar.” He said softly. “It might be him and I just don’t remember. I dunno, Castle, I’m starting to wonder if I’m even involved at all.”

“If you’re not involved, who shot you?”

Ryan just looked at the floor. None of this was making any sense and it was hurting his head.

He hadn’t noticed Esposito leave the room, but a second later he poked his head in. “Hey, Kev.” He said. “Anything?”

Ryan just shook his head.

“Okay, well, we’re gonna get his wife’s statement and hopefully we’ll find some evidence at their house.”

Ryan nodded and began rubbing his eyes.

“Hey.” Esposito stepped closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Ryan looked up at him. “This is gonna be over soon, I promise. We’ll catch the killer and it’ll all be over. Okay?”

“Yeah.” Ryan said softly. “Thanks, Javi.”

“We’re almost done here and then we can go to lunch. We just need the statement from Mrs. Masters.” He smiled and then left the room.

After a minute, Castle spoke. “You know, Ryan,” He said slowly. “Esposito really cares about you a lot.”

Ryan looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah…” He said.

Castle shrugged. “Just making an observation.”

Ryan squinted his eyes at Castle and then looked back out through the window just in time to see Esposito lead Joshua out of the room. Beckett followed them and then a second later, Joshua’s wife was being led in.

Ryan sighed and rested his chin on his hand, just wanting this to all be over.

“You alright?” Castle asked.

“I feel like I’m not helping anything and I kind of wish I could go home.”

Castle put a hand on his shoulder. “This’ll probably take about five minutes.” He said. “A quick statement and you can go.”

Ryan hardly listened to Joshua’s wife. Her voice was annoyingly nasally and the beads she wore around her neck and wrists would make an irritating noise. She had her dark hair pulled back into a half updo and Ryan was strangely mesmerized by her excessive makeup until she started talking about her husband.

Mrs. Masters sighed. “I knew about the affair.” She said softly. “Joshua had been… distant lately. I knew he was sneaking around when he started staying late at the office.”

“How long had the affair been going on, Mrs. Masters?”

“Well, I’ve known about it for about six months, I have no idea how long he’d been seeing the girl before I found out.”

Beckett hesitated. “Mrs. Masters, when you found out, why didn’t you say anything to your husband?”

 

Mrs. Masters raised a perfect eyebrow. “Well, I guess for the same reason the affair started in the first place. Joshua and I are… drifting apart. I figured if he could find happiness somewhere else, then what did it matter? Besides, he was always too tired for sex when he came home, so I didn’t have to worry about it. In the end, we were more like roommates than a married couple. It worked for me, though, because I still got to use all his money. Take what you can get, am I right?” She smiled at Beckett who gave a small smile in return.

“So you were alright with the affair?” Esposito asked, unable to believe that.

Mrs. Masters shrugged. “It may seem unconventional to you, but I came to terms with it a long time ago.”

Beckett hesitated. “Mrs. Masters, I know we asked you before, but can you tell us where your husband was the night of the murder?”

Mrs. Masters’ face fell and she sat back. “Listen, Detective, I don’t want to get my husband in trouble, but I don’t know what he was doing that night.”

Esposito raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know where he was?”

Mrs. Masters shook her head. “I woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone. It wasn’t weird to me, though, because he did that often. I think the girl would call him and invite him over sometimes, so I didn’t think anything of it. But, I do remember he was gone that night.”

Esposito tried to hide his smile as he and Beckett stood.

“Thank you, Mrs. Masters.”

“Oh, dear, I’ve hurt him, haven’t I?”

Beckett and Esposito exchanged a look. 

“You’ve helped our case, for sure.” Esposito said.

“What’s going to happen to him?” Mrs. Masters asked, standing as well.

“We’ll have to figure everything out. Thank you again, Mrs. Masters.” Beckett opened the door for her and then looked at the mirror she knew Ryan was looking out of. She smiled.

Ryan swallowed hard.

“Joshua did it.” Castle said softly.

“That means… the guy who tried to kill me is right outside this door.” Ryan replied. “It’s a weird feeling.”

Castle nodded. “But at least they got him.”

Ryan let out the air he was holding in his lungs.

“Hey, guys.” Esposito stepped into the room, Beckett following behind. “Guess what they found at Joshua’s house?”

Ryan faced them and waited for the news.

“The murder weapon.” Beckett said when no one guessed. “It was a kitchen knife. I guess he got angry and grabbed whatever he could and then went out and killed her. Anyway, that means we’ve got enough to convict him. More than enough.”

“He did it?” Ryan asked.

Esposito smiled at him. “He did it.”

~.~.~

“You sure your parents won’t miss you?” Esposito asked as he helped Ryan into his apartment.

“Are you kidding? When I told them I was hanging out with you tonight, they almost started dancing. I think they’ve wanted me out of the house for a while.”

Esposito helped him to the couch and then sat as well, pulling out his phone. “What kind of food do you want?”

Ryan shrugged. “Chinese?”

“One order of mu-shu pork coming up.” Esposito searched through his phone for the number to the chinese place they always ordered from.

Before he could press send, Ryan cleared his throat. “Is that my favorite?”

“What?” Esposito asked.

Ryan took a breath. “Is that my favorite chinese order?”

Esposito gave him a strange look. “Well, you get it every time.”

Ryan just nodded and stared at his hands.

“Is everything okay?”

“What?” Ryan looked up. “Y-yeah, everything’s fine. Go ahead and order.” He scooted forward to stand.

“Need any help?”

“No, I got it.” Ryan stood on shaky legs and began walking toward the bathroom, using the walls to help him stand.

Esposito watched him go and then slowly set his phone down. Something told him Ryan wasn’t really hungry. He waited a few minutes and then stood when he heard the toilet flush. Ryan acted like he was fine when walking, but he did get tired easy and Esposito wanted to help him back to the couch when he finally admitted he needed help.

Ryan opened the door to the bathroom and stopped when he saw Esposito standing there.

“What’s going on?” Esposito asked.

Ryan stared at him for a second before stepping out of the bathroom and slowly making his way back to the couch. “Nothing.” He said simply as his shaky legs made it difficult to keep walking.

Esposito watched him walk slowly before following him at the same pace. “Something’s wrong.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Ah, so you admit there’s something bothering you.”

Ryan sighed and stopped for a second. He gave Esposito a look and then continued the journey to the couch.

“Kevin.” Esposito put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. “What’s going on?”

Ryan gave him a long look before averting his eyes. “You know my favorite order.” He said softly.

“What?”

“You know my favorite chinese order.” Ryan elaborated. “You know what I like and… and I don’t even know what yours is.”

Esposito was trying not to laugh. “That’s it?”

“No, that’s not it.” Ryan said, still not looking at him.

“Kung Pao Chicken.” Esposito said.

“What?”

“My chinese order.” Esposito clarified.

“Oh.” Ryan cleared his throat. “Well, good. Now I know.”

Esposito folded his arms. “Now why don’t you tell me what this is really about?”

Ryan hesitated and leaned heavily against the wall, the walk being more tiring than he thought it would. “I… I’ve been thinking a lot about… you and me.” He said.

Esposito nodded once.

“When, uh… Whenever you… touch me, I get flashes of memory back.”

Esposito’s eyebrows shot up. “You do? That’s great! What do you remember?”

Ryan finally looked up at him and held his gaze for a while. “You.” He said.

Esposito’s stomach did a flip.

“I mean, more like a piece of my memories of you.” Ryan elaborated.

Esposito said nothing, allowing Kevin to do all the talking.

“It started with that spark the first time you came and saw me and then the rest of the memories kind of started flooding in, you know?” He took a breath. “Piecing them together, I think what I’m remembering is...the day we met.”

Esposito could have cried.

“I remember someone, probably Beckett, leading me over to my desk. You’re sitting at yours and she says something. I can only assume it’s something like ‘Detective Ryan, meet your new partner Detective Esposito’. And then you turn in your chair and stand.” His blue eyes started to water. “The first spark… was your face. I saw you so vividly.” He continued to stare into his partner’s eyes. “And I think… I think it was so vivid because not only do I remember what I saw, but I remember what I felt.”

Esposito couldn’t think anymore. He wanted Ryan to say it, but he didn’t want his hopes crushed. He knew exactly what he’d felt that day, and he only hoped Ryan had felt the same.

“I think…” Ryan blinked back tears and attempted to suppress the fear of revealing everything. Beckett’s words in the back of his mind gave him the courage to continue, though, because if a detective says they notice something, like a look or a touch, it’s more than natural to believe them. He hesitated. “I think I fell in love with you.”

Esposito stepped toward his partner and grabbed Ryan’s face in his hands. “I fell in love with you too.” He said just before leaning down slightly and capturing Ryan’s lips in a kiss.

The kiss lasted only a second, though it felt longer, before Ryan gasped and pulled away.

“Kev?” Esposito asked, looking at him with concern.

Ryan looked up, tears brimming in his eyes. “I remember you.” He said before pulling Esposito down for another kiss

This was it. This was what Ryan had been missing. It was what he’d been feeling this whole time. He loved Esposito. He loved him with everything that he was.

As the intense making out slowed down, Ryan got another flash of memory.

“Ryan?” Esposito asked as he pulled away.

Ryan stared up at him. “I know who the killer is.”

“Yeah, it’s Masters. We already booked him.”

“No.” Ryan shook his head. “It’s-”

“See, that’s what I was afraid of.” A voice from behind them said.

The two of them turned only to be met with the barrel of a gun.


	9. Powerless

Beckett stared up at the murder board, a finger on her chin as she went over all the information.

“What are you doing?” Castle asked. “This one is over. We caught the guy.”

“I know.” Beckett said, not looking at him. “Something just isn’t sitting right.”

Castle looked back up at the board. “Well, we have all the pieces. Motive, opportunity, we found the murder weapon in his house for god’s sake.”

“It’s too perfect.” Beckett said, shaking her head. “Too easy.” She shrugged her shoulders. “And what about Ryan, what’s his role in all this?”

Castle took a second to answer that one. “Maybe he’s not a part of this particular case.” He suggested. “Maybe whoever shot Ryan is still out there and it has nothing to do with this one.”

“If that’s true, we have a whole new set of problems to deal with.” She shook her head. “No, he’s involved in this somehow, I just don’t know how yet.”

Castle shrugged. “Well, maybe it’s like Ryan said. Maybe he saw the two of them together and Joshua wanted to silence him before he could connect him to Angelina.”

But Beckett was already shaking her head. “If he didn’t want to be connected to her, killing Ryan wouldn’t do any good. We found him through phone records. He was already connected.”

“Maybe he saw the murder?”

“The murder happened the other day, Ryan would have remembered seeing it.”

Castle sighed. “We’ll need coffee.” He said, heading to the break room.

“You don’t have to stay, Castle.” She called after him.

“Oh, of course I do.” He called back. “If there’s one thing I know about marriage, it’s that I always must have my wife’s back.”

He disappeared behind the doorway of the break room and Beckett smiled. Castle was crazy at times, but there really was no one she’d rather be with.

She sat at her desk and pulled out the file, flipping through it and hoping something would jump out at her. There had to be a connection somewhere and she was strangely alright with spending the entire night figuring out what it was. She began going over everything, looking for even the smallest connection. She finally stopped when she hit Angelina’s record. Funny, Beckett couldn’t remember going over it. Logically, she would have asked Ryan or Esposito to do it, but she couldn’t remember asking them either.

Beckett flipped through it. Angelina had been a model citizen, never having even gotten a traffic ticket, but there was one thing she’d been involved in about four months ago...

“You know,” Castle was saying as he stepped out of the break room a few minutes later, coffee in hand. “Maybe Ryan was working for the CIA or something, and they erased his memories.”

“Castle…”

“No, hear me out. And then the enemy is the one who tried to shoot him-”

“Castle!” Beckett said urgently.

 

Castle, dropping the crazy theory at her tone, set the coffee down and jogged to her side, looking over her shoulder at the file.

“Castle, this is it.” She said.

“This is what? You found the connection?”

Beckett pointed at a certain page and then handed Castle the file. “Angelina was in a car accident a little over four months ago.” She said as Castle looked over the page.

“That’s the same day as Ryan’s accident.” Castle said slowly.

“Not only is it the same day,” Beckett pointed at it. “It’s the same accident.”

Castle looked up at her, his eyes wide.

“Angelina was driving the car that hit Ryan.” She said. “That’s why he remembers her. He must have seen her before she hit him and her face stuck with him.”

“Why didn’t we notice this before?”

“Because we’re stupid.” Beckett said, throwing her hands up. “We didn’t look hard enough, we didn’t think of it, we weren’t paying attention to a car accident that happened four months ago. And we call ourselves detectives…”

“What about the shooting?” Castle asked, looking back down at the file and trying to keep her from beating herself up over something no one noticed. “Who tried to kill Ryan?”

Beckett stepped over to him and pointed at another name on the accident report. “Penny Masters.” She said. “Joshua’s wife. She was the one who hit Angelina. It was filed as an accident, but I bet Penny hit her on purpose.”

“She knew about the affair and in a blind rage, decided to kill her husband’s mistress.”

“But it all went wrong.”

Castle looked up from the file. “Ryan saw. He was the only one who knew Penny was trying to kill Angelina.”

“And she tried to kill him in case he connected her to Angelina’s murder. When hitting her with the car didn’t work, she waited and then tried again.”

“She waited a long time.” Castle remarked.

“The car accident was probably, like you said, a blind rage. She was lucky when it didn’t work because that gave her time to plan. She probably stalked Angelina, Ryan too, and then planned to kill them both and blame it on her husband.”

“There were a lot of people at the scene, why would she go after Ryan specifically?”

Beckett hesitated. “Maybe… maybe he knew it wasn’t an accident. Maybe for some reason he could tell she was doing it on purpose, with a look or something?”

“And no one else came to the same conclusion?”

“It’s possible. Maybe they exchanged a look. Like a silent understanding. Or maybe she found out he was a cop? Found out he works with the people investigating the murder and knew he would make the connection.”

“Beckett…” Castle said slowly. “If she’s also out for Ryan…”

“Let’s go.” Beckett said, grabbing her phone and keys and leading the way.

~.~.~

Ryan looked from the gun back at Penny. She was shorter than both of them, but was the only one with a gun, which gave her the advantage. Esposito’s gun was over by his keys and badge on the counter. If only he could get to it...

“Mrs. Masters.” Esposito said, angrily. “How the hell did you get in here?”

Penny smiled at him. “You forgot to lock the door, moron. But why would you take extra precaution now? You already caught the guy. Besides that, it was pretty easy to come in without you hearing me. The way you two were just going at it, I could have crashed through the window and still got the drop on you.”

“You got a plan after this?” Esposito asked, angry that she was too far away to try to get the gun. And, of course, angry that she broke up what could have been the best night of his life. “You just gonna shoot two cops and assume no one will trace it back to you? You’ve got no one to pin this on.”

“Oh, I know they won’t trace it back to me.” Penny said simply. “Joshua’s father owns a nice array of handguns.” She looked down at the gun and back up at the detectives. “He’s going to kill you for putting his son away. Don’t worry. He already doesn’t have an alibi.”

“You’ve really thought this through.” Ryan said, looking from her to the gun.

“Oh yes. I have.” Before waiting for another response, she aimed at Esposito and pulled the trigger.

The bullet aimed for his heart hit his shoulder instead as Ryan pushed him down and out of the way. Esposito yelled in pain, but it was better than being dead in Ryan’s opinion. They crashed to the floor and Esposito immediately held his shoulder, blood seeping through his fingers. When they got their bearings, they both glared up at her.

After making sure his partner was relatively okay, Ryan moved in front of him, shielding him from another shot. “You frigid bitch.” He spat out.

“Say all you want.” She smiled. “I know you can’t do anything. That accident rendered you helpless. It’s as if the universe wanted me to succeed in this. Too bad the accident didn’t kill you, though. Then I wouldn’t have to waste my time.”

Ryan had moved to his knees in front of Esposito, but that was as much as he could do. His fears from earlier were confirmed. They were in danger and he could do nothing.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that.” Penny said. “It’s not my fault you were in the way.”

“You were going to kill her.” Ryan said. “I saw you. That wasn’t any accident, you were trying to kill her.”

“Of course I was trying to kill her!” Penny snapped. “That bitch was trying to take my husband away. I don’t love the idiot, but no one cheats on me and gets away with it. Besides that, I like living a life of luxury.”

“Not only did you try to kill her, you ruined another life as well.”

“That was hardly my fault.” Penny defended. “You’re the one who ran out into the street trying to get her to stop her car.”

“Because I saw you step on the gas looking like a maniac.” Ryan said, angrily. “And instead of stepping on the breaks, which you had enough time to do, you just kept going. You didn’t care how many lives you took as long as she was dead.”

“Oh, look at you thinking only about yourself when your boyfriend is suffering behind you.”

“I’m fine, lady.” Esposito said through gritted teeth, the pain of the wound in his shoulder making it a little hard to concentrate.

“Well,” She smiled at him. “We’ll put an end to that.”

~.~.~

“Ryan’s not answering his cell.” Beckett said as she pressed on the gas.

“Esposito isn’t either.” Castle sighed. “Do we really need to freak out about this? I mean, it’s possible he’s fine. We can arrest Penny tomorrow and everything will be alright.”

“You know our luck, Castle.” Beckett said as she turned a corner. “The chances of Ryan being okay are slim. But even if he is okay, it’s good to check. If there’s someone out there who wants Ryan’s blood, we need to make sure they don’t get it.”

“Shouldn’t we send someone out to see if Penny’s home? This worrying seems to be for nothing.”

“You think I didn’t think of that? I asked a couple unis to go check. She’s not there.”

Castle swallowed. “Drive faster.”

They pulled up to Ryan’s parents’ house and got out of the car as quickly as they could. They ran up to the door and hit the bell, waiting impatiently for it to be answered.

“Detective Beckett.” Mrs. Ryan said as she answered the door. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, Mrs. Ryan. Is Kevin here?”

Mrs. Ryan’s eyebrows shot up. “No, he’s not here. He’s hanging out with Javi tonight. It’s been awhile since they spent any time together.”

“Did they say where they were going?” Beckett asked hurriedly, trying not to be impolite.

“Well, I think they just said they were going to be playing video games at Javi’s apartment.” She looked from one serious face to the other. “Is everything alright? Is Kevin in some kind of trouble?”

Beckett exchanged a glance with Castle. “We’re not sure, Mrs. Ryan. We need to find them, though.”

“Kate, what’s going on?” Mrs. Ryan asked as they turned to leave.

Beckett turned back. “I honestly don’t know.” She said. “But as soon as I do, so will you.”

Mrs. Ryan nodded as she watched the two of them leave, worry evident on her face. She knew by now to let the cops handle things, but that didn’t take the fear for her son away.

“This is just perfect.” Becket grumbled fastening her seat belt and putting the car in gear. “The one night Ryan decides to go out…”

“At least he’s with Esposito.” Castle reasoned. “What if Penny tried to kill him and his parents?”

Beckett shrugged slightly. “Unless neither of them are expecting it.” She said softly. “It’s easy to get the drop on someone when they aren’t paying attention.”

“Penny Masters is a small person.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Beckett shook her head. “If you don’t see a bullet coming, it doesn’t matter who shot it. Penny’s smaller than Angelina was, and she still stabbed her to death. Besides that, Ryan still can’t walk. I’m sure they could handle themselves if there was a way to run.”

Castle felt the anxiety eat up at him but didn’t say another word.

New York traffic was still as horrible as it always was and Beckett cursed every driver the whole way to Esposito’s apartment. She eventually had to turn her siren on and ended up getting there in record time, the unis she’d called on the way were already there and waiting.

She had no idea if they were in any danger, but she’d learned by now that backup was important. She parked her car and then pulled her vest, as well as Castle’s special vest, out of the trunk. She quickly told the unis what was going on and instructed them to stay back a bit in case it was a false alarm. She strapped on her thigh holster and then headed into the building, Castle and the rest of them following her.

“What if we run in there and they’re fine?” Castle asked.

“Then we’ll have something to laugh about later. But I’d rather look like an idiot than have two dead friends.” Beckett replied.

Castle remained silent after that, completely agreeing with her. After so many years, he wasn’t afraid to look the fool, especially if it meant saving his best friends.

Beckett led the way up to Esposito’s apartment and, as they walked down the hall, they heard a shot.

Beckett felt her heart stop as she ran to the open door at the end of the hall, hoping against hope that whoever had been shot wasn’t one of her boys.

~.~.~

“You want him, you’ll have to go through me.” Ryan said, glaring up at Penny as she aimed the gun at him.

“But I don’t want him, I want you. He’s just an extra casualty.” She cocked the gun. “No hard feelings.” She said. “I’m sure you’re a nice guy.”

Ryan gritted his teeth and felt Esposito reach for his shoulder, trying to pull him away, but he stood, or rather kneeled, his ground.

He didn’t want to die, not now that the memories were starting to come back, but if he had to die, he’d rather it was with Esposito. And, really, he was alright with dying to protect Esposito too, even if he wasn’t the main target.

Penny gave a slight smile before pulling the trigger.

In the end, Ryan barely heard the shot. He hardly felt any pain at all, really. From the moment Penny pulled the trigger, all Ryan could think about was the man sitting behind him. He felt Esposito try to pull him out of the way just as the bullet tore through his chest. The pain lasted only a second.

From that point all he heard was distant yelling. Before he fell back, he saw someone, maybe Beckett, pulling Penny back and taking the gun from her.

Thank god. He thought to himself. She can’t hurt Javi now.

He hoped that now that the cops were here, they could take care of Javi. He wanted to tell them that Javi had been hurt and needed medical attention, but the words wouldn’t come out. Nothing came out. The only thing he was aware of was someone holding his head up and the faint taste of copper in his mouth.

He blinked his eyes and was suddenly aware of Esposito hovering over him, talking to him. He tried to say something back, but he couldn’t speak.

“Kevin! Kevin, oh god, no. Please, no.”

Ryan’s breathing was sporadic and shallow as he clutched at the wound in his chest.

With shaking hands, Esposito reached down to look at it. There was blood everywhere and it was hard to tell where exactly the bullet had gone in, which meant it was hard to tell if Ryan was going to survive.

Beckett was already calling for an ambulance, but Esposito was paying attention to nothing but his partner.

“Stay with me, Ryan, okay?” Esposito said, one hand behind Ryan’s head and the other gripping one of his hands, completely forgetting about his own bullet wound. “Stay with me. You’ll be alright. We’re gonna get you to a hospital and you’ll be alright.” He was hardly aware that he was crying. “You have to be okay, man. We were just starting to figure things out, you have to be okay. You… you can’t leave me, Kevin. Please don’t leave me. Please!”

Ryan said nothing as he tried to focus on staying awake. He reached up to place a hand on the side of Esposito’s face and a single tear fell down his cheek as he lost consciousness.


	10. We're Alive

Esposito was pacing in the lobby of the hospital. He hated this place. He hated everything about it. The stupid smell, the stupid walls, the stupid nurses walking around, everything. He was tired of coming to this place and waiting. If Ryan died, he was never coming to another hospital as long as he lived.

“Javi, please sit down.” Beckett said softly.

Esposito just shook his head as he continued to pace.

“Javier Esposito, you just got shot in the arm, you need to rest.” Lanie said, raising an eyebrow.

But Esposito didn’t care about Lanie’s stern tone. If he sat, he would go crazy. He’d refused to take any painkillers that would knock him out and his arm hurt like a bitch, but he was determined to stay awake until Ryan was okay.

The bullet wound in his arm really wasn’t that bad as far as bullet wounds go, which meant that they’d had it almost completely taken care of by the time they reached the hospital. It was a little difficult to get Esposito to stay still as he kept trying to see what they were doing to Ryan.

He’d spent the whole ambulance ride barking orders and insisting his arm was fine. He even told the EMT’s working on him to forget about him and go save his partner. They were all relieved when they got to the hospital and could work on the boys properly without a backseat driver.

Esposito had been sent to his own room while Ryan was sent to surgery. In the time it took them to dig the bullet out, bandage the wound, put his arm in a sling, and set him up with painkillers, Ryan was still in surgery, still fighting for his life.

Esposito stopped pacing and put a hand to his tired eyes, the painkillers clearly stronger than he’d anticipated. Or maybe he’d just lost all energy.

“Javi.” Lanie said, standing and stepping up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Please sit. You’ll kill yourself worrying.”

“What if he’s…”

“He’ll pull through.” She said. “You told me he was shot closer to the right side, not the left. That gives him a fighting chance.”

Esposito swallowed and allowed her to lead him to a seat, mostly because the painkillers at that time were really starting to work.

About an hour and fifteen minutes and several cups of coffee later, the doctor emerged and headed straight for Esposito, apparently having remembered him from his month of never leaving.

“Detective Esposito.” She greeted.

“So?” He asked, standing a little too quickly, Lanie having to steady him from the head rush.

“He’ll be fine.”

There was a sigh of relief all around.

“You’ll be able to see him as soon as he wakes up.” She smiled and turned to leave, but Esposito stopped her.

“He will wake up this time, won’t he?” He asked.

She turned and gave him a warm smile. “Yes, Detective. He’s definitely going to wake up this time. I promise. I’ll have Nurse Jen come and get you when he’s awake.”

Esposito wanted to cry. He sat in his chair and put his head in one of his hands, trying to keep the tears from falling. He’d been through too much in the last few days, he needed a long vacation. A long vacation in a different country. A vacation with Ryan.

Nurse Jen didn’t show up for a long while, but when she did, Esposito was the first to jump up. She gave him a smile and led him and the rest of Ryan’s friends and family to Ryan’s room.

“He’s just barely waking up.” She said softly. “So he might be a little disoriented, but he should get his bearings soon enough.” She opened the door and they all filed in, Esposito stopping just before the door.

He stepped back and let the door shut, Beckett standing behind him.

“Javi?” She asked.

Esposito cleared his throat and turned to look at her. “Uh… it’s just that… the last time I did this, he didn’t…” He trailed off and looked down at the floor.

Beckett gave him a sad smile. “He didn’t hit his head this time, Espo. I’m sure he remembers you.”

Esposito lifted his head and gave her a long look. “He was just starting to get his memories back, what if this erased them again? I can’t… I can’t go through that. Not again.”

“Javier Esposito, I promise Kevin will remember you.”

Esposito swallowed and then turned back to the door. Taking a deep breath, he opened it and led the way in.

Ryan was lying propped up with pillows. He turned very tired eyes over to the new additions to the room. Esposito held his breath.

Ryan smiled when he saw him. “Hey.” He said, softly.

Esposito let out a relieved laugh. “Hey.” He said, stepping forward, everyone else in the room moving aside to let him through.

Ryan looked awful. He had dark circles around his eyes and it was clear he needed sleep, maybe for about three or four days. But he was alive, and Esposito really couldn’t ask for anything more.

“You scared the shit outta me, man.” Esposito said as he reached Ryan’s bedside.

“Sorry.” Ryan said weakly. “I’ll try not to get shot next time.” He gave a smile.

Esposito laughed and sat in the chair next to the bed.

“How’s the arm?” Ryan asked softly.

Esposito looked down at it and then back up, shrugging. “Hurts like a bitch, but I’ll live.”

“They should give you what they gave me.” Ryan smiled. “I kinda feel like I’m floating, except I also feel really tired.”

Esposito put a hand to Ryan’s head and ran his fingers through his hair. “You should sleep.”

“I can sleep later.” Ryan said softly. “So, what happened with Penny?”

“We got her.” Beckett said from behind Esposito. “Haven’t been able to interview her since we’ve all been here, but she doesn’t have a prayer. Not only will she be charged with the attempted murder of two NYPD cops, but she now has a motive and she’s connected to Angelina. She can lawyer up all she wants, but we’ve got her.”

“And get this.” Castle said. “Joshua knew the whole time.”

“Well, it’s hard not to know what’s going on when your wife and your girlfriend are in the same car accident. We suspect Penny didn’t tell him about it, but Angelina probably did.” Beckett shrugged.

“And I think Joshua was okay with his wife and his girlfriend killing each other. Didn’t really expect to be sold out by his wife, though.”

“But it’s finally over.” Beckett smiled. “You can rest easy knowing there’s no one out for your blood.”

“Well, not today, anyway.” Castle added.

Ryan snorted at that. “Good.” He said. “Good.”

He looked like he was nodding off and Esposito reached out to brush his bangs back. “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep? You look beat.”

Ryan shook his head and then looked behind Esposito and back. “Everyone’s leaving.” He said.

Esposito looked behind him and, indeed, everyone had decided they needed this moment together. Castle winked at them before shutting the door. Taking advantage of that, Esposito looked back at his partner and reached down to grasp his hand.

Ryan squeezed his hand back, his grip weaker than normal, but the best damn thing in the world to Esposito.

“God,” Esposito said, looking away as tears began to fall.

“Javi.” Ryan said softly, getting his attention.

Esposito looked back at him. “I thought I lost you. Again.”

“It’ll take more than that to get rid of me.” He gave a weak smile. After a minute of just holding hands and taking comfort in each other, Ryan cleared his throat. “Javi, I need to tell you something.”

Esposito’s eyebrows shot up. “Yeah?”

“It’s about the day I got hit.”

“You said you remembered it.” Esposito said, nodding.

“Yeah.” Ryan swallowed. “I remember most of it. I remember running out into the street and I remember the car coming toward me. But when it hit, there was only one thing on my mind.” He gripped Esposito’s hand harder. “Earlier that day, I’d been talking to Beckett about something.” He swallowed, trying to get the words out before he lost his nerve. It was stupid, as he’d already confessed his love, but he still felt nervous. “I was talking about you. I told her about my feelings toward you. She told me I needed to tell you about how I felt. She said she wouldn’t say anything, but that I needed to.” He hadn’t realized he was crying until just then and he moved a hand up to wipe at his tears.

“Kevin…”

“No, I… I gotta get through this before something else happens.” He smiled slightly and then continued. “When the car hit me, I could only think about you. I could only think about all the things I needed to say to you, things I needed you to know. And I was dying and I was never going to see you again. I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes or anything people say happen when you’re close to death. All I saw… was you.”

Esposito’s own tears were falling at that, and he really wouldn’t be so emotional if he hadn’t just been through literal hell a few hours ago and had painkillers in his system. He let go of Ryan’s hand and then cupped Ryan’s cheek. “Kevin Ryan.” He said softly. “I don’t think there’s anyone else on this planet who I love more than you. Even without your memories, I fell pretty hard.”

Esposito leaned forward and gave Ryan a soft kiss, careful not to press too hard or overwhelm him. When he pulled away, Ryan smiled wide.

“About the memory thing.” Ryan said. “Ever since the kiss, they’ve been… easier to grasp, I guess. I got the crash back and I’ve been slowly remembering more ever since.”

“Kevin,” Esposito smiled. “That’s the best damn news I’ve heard all day.”

“Apart from me being alive.”

Esposito laughed. “Yeah.” He said. “Apart from that.” He leaned forward and kissed him once more. He pulled away and ran his fingers through his hair again, something he suddenly realized he really liked doing. “You really should get some rest.”

“Well, what about you?” Ryan asked softly. “You’ve got your arm.”

Esposito shrugged. “I’ll be fine.” He said. “It’s you I’m worried about.”

Ryan gave him a small smile. “Well, what do ya say we share? I’m sure the hospital would be okay with two patients sharing a bed, considering how often they’re short on them.”

“I dunno if we’ll both fit.”

Ryan began to move very slowly and then stopped when it became apparent that moving was more painful that it should’ve been.

“Okay, woah woah woah.” Esposito stopped him. “Don’t hurt yourself, there’s already enough room.”

He sat on the bed and then lifted his legs up, careful not to jostle Ryan too much. Ryan still scooted over just a bit and then turned on his side so he could face his partner, pain evident in his features until he was finally comfortable. Esposito laid his head on their shared pillow and looked into Ryan’s impossibly blue eyes.

“It’s not fair.” Esposito said softly.

“What?” Ryan asked.

“Even when you’ve been through hell and you look like shit, you still look beautiful.”

Ryan scrunched up his nose in an embarrassed smile. “That line may get you in some guys’ pants, but I can tell you you won’t be getting any tonight.”

Esposito laughed. “No, I’m being serious. Your hair all messed up and your eyes… goddamn, your eyes.”

Ryan looked away for a second and then back at his partner. “Well,” He said. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

Their faces were already close enough that they could feel each other’s breath, so Esposito moved a bit closer and gave Ryan a very soft kiss on the lips. He pulled back and smiled.

“What?” Ryan asked.

“I dunno.” Esposito shrugged one shoulder and then winced as it was his injured one. “I guess I’m just glad I can do that whenever I want now.”

“Well, maybe not at the precinct because Gates will give us the stare.”

“You really are starting to remember.” Esposito couldn’t help but smile.

Ryan lifted a hand and put it on Esposito’s cheek. “And it’s all because of you.”

Esposito leaned over and kissed him again. Ryan smiled and snuggled closer, his face buried in Esposito’s neck.

“I wish I could use my arm so I could hold you.” Esposito said quietly.

“This is fine.” Ryan replied. “This is perfect.”

Esposito kissed the top of Ryan’s head and then a few seconds later, the two of them fell asleep, wrapped in each other’s arms.


	11. Epilogue

Esposito sat in his chair bouncing his leg. Ryan’s exam started exactly two hours ago and he was going out of his mind wondering if he was getting his partner back.

The road to this point had been a long one. As Ryan’s memories started flooding in, the question of if he was going to become a cop again began floating around. Gates then promised that if Ryan could pass the exam to return, she would be happy to put him back on Beckett’s team.

It was at that point that Ryan began working harder than he ever had in his life. Esposito helped him remember a few important things, but the real challenge was walking.

It took Ryan about four months after the shooting to finally be able to walk on his own. He was wobbly and not at all ready to do police work yet, but it was a start. Quite a few months after that, he was able to walk out of that office without any help.

It was a bittersweet moment, saying goodbye to Joan and the others, but he smiled wide as he walked through those doors with Esposito by his side. Even more exciting was the fact that Esposito was no longer his cane.

As the months of physical therapy went by, his memories became more intense and whole, instead of little snippets. Along with remembering Esposito, he got back his memories of Beckett and Castle and by the time he walked out of that building, it was as if nothing had happened.

They later began more intense physical training. Ryan had lost a lot of muscle, and he had to gain it back if he wanted to do his job properly. Esposito helped him every day, taking him to the gym and helping him bulk up. There was a lot of teasing, but even more making out. More than once, Ryan found himself pinned to the floor, sweaty and panting, with his hunky boyfriend hovering over him and kissing him hard enough that he was sure he wasn’t going to get his breath back. Esposito loved watching his partner sweat like a goddamn animal. It made him go all tingly.

It was months of studying and working out before, finally, the day came. Esposito had seemed way more nervous than Ryan, so Ryan gave him a kiss and told him he’d meet him back at the precinct with his papers to hand to Gates and Esposito better be there ready and waiting for a big, long kiss.

So Esposito sat and waited. Again.

Beckett and Castle came out of the break room with coffee for themselves and their nervous partner. Clearly, he didn’t need more coffee, but at least drinking it could distract him somewhat.

“He’ll pass, Javi.” Beckett said, setting down his cup and sitting in her chair.

“What if he doesn’t?” Esposito asked.

“Then he’ll take it again.” Beckett shrugged. “Seriously, Espo, you need to calm down. We’ve been helping him for months, there’s no way he won’t pass.”

Esposito ran a hand through his short curls. “I hate waiting.” He grumbled.

“I know, Espo. I know.” Beckett gave him a smile and went back to her paperwork from their last case.

The air about them made it really hard to concentrate and Beckett soon gave up on it, suddenly getting secondhand nerves from her partner.

“What is taking him so long?” She grumbled.

“That’s what I wanna know.” Esposito grumbled back. “What kind of test starts at three in the afternoon?”

“Guys.” Castle said. “He’ll be here soon. There’s no way he didn’t pass.”

The elevator dinged right as Castle finished talking and the three of them snapped their heads up to see who it was.

The familiar gelled hair and sideburns made their hearts stop and they all stood, watching their partner walk to them, clutching papers in his hands. He stopped just as he reached them, his face giving nothing away.

“So?” Esposito asked.

Ryan lifted up the papers and looked from them to his partner. “I passed.” He said, with a smile.

Esposito laughed and ran to him, wrapping his arms around his middle and picking him up in celebration. Beckett and Castle both stepped over to him to give him a hug and congratulate him as well.

“We knew you could do it, Kevin.” Castle said.

Ryan was beaming.

“Is this good news I hear?” Gates asked from the doorway of her office.

They turned to face her and Ryan exchanged a look with Esposito before stepping forward and handing her his papers.

Gates took them and put on her glasses, flipping through them quickly. She looked up and smiled. “Welcome back, Detective Ryan.”

Ryan smiled wide and turned back to his friends who looked like they were about to burst with happiness. Esposito stepped forward and took Ryan’s face in his hands, kissing him deeply.

“Detectives.” Gates said, folding her arms and raising an eyebrow, waiting for Ryan and Esposito to pull apart and look at her. “I told you this was alright, provided you keep the public displays of affection to a minimum.” She gave a soft smile. “That particular rule goes into effect tomorrow, so don’t try anything.”

Ryan and Esposito smiled at her and then looked back at their team when she retreated to her office.

“I think celebratory drinks are a must.” Castle said.

Ryan nodded his agreement and reached down to lace his fingers with his partner’s.

“Okay, but you’re buying.” Esposito said, reaching over to grab his coat.

“We can’t go now.” Beckett protested. “We didn’t get any work done all day, and I bet Gates will want us to stay late.”

“I bet Gates doesn’t mind, do you sir?” Esposito called to her.

“I think you all should get out of here now before I go back to my old self.” She called back.

“See?” Esposito shrugged.

Their hands still clasped firmly, Ryan and Esposito led the way to the elevator, Castle and Beckett close behind.

As they descended, Beckett sighed. “Okay, but we can’t stay too long. We have work tomorrow.”

“Ah, Beckett, always the responsible one.” Castle exited the elevator first once they reached the lobby.

“Someone has to be the adult here.” Beckett said, following him.

Ryan and Esposito walked slowly behind their bickering partners, hand in hand.

“You happy to be back?” Esposito asked.

“Yeah.” Ryan said softly.

“No memory lapses or anything lately?”

“Yeah. Who are you again?”

Esposito bumped his shoulder and Ryan laughed.

“No memory lapses. I’m fine. It’s almost like nothing happened.” Ryan shrugged.

“Don’t think like that, Kev.” Esposito was shaking his head. “You wanna keep this experience because if it weren’t for this, you and I might never have figured things out.”

Ryan leaned closer and put his head on Esposito’s shoulder. “I don’t think I would ever want to change a thing. Though, the gunshot wound to the chest I could’ve done without.”

Esposito chuckled. “Yeah, that wasn’t at all pleasant.”

Ryan stopped walking and tilted his head up for a kiss. Esposito obliged and they lingered for a moment.

“I’m glad I have you.” Ryan whispered.

Esposito kissed Ryan on the forehead. “Just try to get rid of me.”

Ryan laughed and the two of them followed their friends out of the precinct.

Castle, of course, wanted drinks from The Old Haunt and they all silently agreed to just go with whatever Castle wanted as it was impossible to argue against him. He asked Ryan several times where he wanted to go, since this was _his_ celebration, but Ryan, with stars in his eyes as he looked at his partner, continued to tell Castle whatever he wanted was fine.

In the end, Castle was the one who got plastered. The rest of them only had a couple of drinks, but Castle wanted to really celebrate so he ordered drink after drink until, finally, after midnight, Beckett decided it was time to go home.

She helped Castle to his feet and put one of his large arms over her shoulders, refusing help from her partners when they asked. “I got it.” She reassured them. “We’ll see you guys tomorrow, unless Castle is so hung over he can’t open his eyes.”

Ryan and Esposito laughed.

“Bye, guys. And welcome back, Detective Ryan.”

Castle popped his head up. “We’come back, Ryan.” He said, giving a thumbs up and trying to wink, but failing miserably.

“Thanks, Castle.” Ryan said, laughing. “I’ll see you later.”

Castle waved with a goofy grin and Beckett helped him out of the bar.

Ryan finished off his last beer and Esposito reached down to hold his hand, lacing their fingers together and bringing Ryan’s hand up to give it a kiss.

“Why, Detective Esposito,” Ryan said, smiling. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you have a hidden agenda.”

Esposito waggled his eyebrows.

Ryan laughed and leaned in close. “I knew you were trying to get me drunk enough to put out.”

Esposito kissed him softly. “Did it work?”

Ryan put a hand to Esposito’s jaw and pulled him in for a deeper kiss. “Yeah, I think so.” He said breathlessly.

Esposito smiled. “Let’s go celebrate.”

They left the bar without having to pay, perks of being best friends with the owner, and hailed a cab, choosing Ryan’s apartment as their destination as it was closer. They hardly made it to Ryan’s door when Esposito had him pinned and was kissing the breath out of him.

“I have to open the door.” Ryan said when he’d been given the use of his lips back.

 

“But that takes too long.” Esposito whined, kissing down Ryan’s jaw.

“Okay, well, we’re not having sex in the hallway, so you have to choose.” Ryan said breathlessly.

Esposito groaned and pulled back, allowing Ryan to turn and pull his keys out of his pocket. As he searched for the right one, Esposito put his hands on Ryan’s waist and pulled him back a bit so he could kiss the back of his neck. As Ryan’s back hit Esposito’s chest, he got the full effect of how excited Esposito was and had to force himself to concentrate on opening the door.

They fell into the apartment a few seconds later and Esposito shut the door with his foot so he could go back to kissing his boyfriend. Ryan threw his keys in the direction of the table but didn’t bother to check if he’d made it. He was just going to search for his keys in the morning if he had to.

Jackets were shed, ties were thrown to the floor, and by the time they made it to the bedroom, they were bare chested and still making out furiously. Esposito had one arm wrapped around his partner, his hand on the small of his back to pull him close. Ryan had his arms wrapped around Esposito’s neck and they blindly made their way to the bed.

Ryan hit the bed first and fell, taking Esposito with him. He grunted as Esposito fell on him and the two of them laughed once the slight pain subsided.

Esposito moved to hover over him and Ryan wrapped his legs around his waist. He reached up to pull Esposito down for another kiss. As they kissed, Esposito blindly found Ryan’s hand and held it tight.

When they pulled away, Ryan played with the curls on the back of Esposito’s head. “I love you, Javi.” He said softly.

Esposito kissed him again. “I love you too, Kevin.”

They continued kissing and undressing each other, taking it slow and enjoying every second. They held hands throughout the night and as they fell asleep wrapped around each other they couldn’t help feeling like everything, at least for now, was perfect.

 

_No, I didn’t pray to God_

_No, I never saw the light_

_No, I didn’t watch my life go flashing right before my eyes_

_No, I didn’t do the things that they all said that I would do_

_I just closed my eyes and all I saw was you_

**  
The End**


End file.
